Fear, doubt, worry, and that nagging question of “what is my purpose” can feel even louder when your story starts with trauma. Meridee Hlokoff joins me for an honest conversation about growing up with abuse, manipulation, and chronic instability, and how those dark chapters don’t just disappear. They echo forward through triggers, relationships, and the way we try to control life to feel safe.
We get practical about what healing looks like on a normal Tuesday, especially as a parent. Meridee shares the turning point that reshaped how she raised her kids, including lessons from parenting classes while navigating severe ADD, burnout, and the temptation to repeat what was modeled. We also unpack the shift from victimhood to ownership, not as blame, but as a way to reclaim power. Along the way we talk faith, ego versus love, inner child parts, and Internal Family Systems style tools for listening to what your pain is trying to teach you.
Then we connect pain to purpose through addiction recovery. Meridee explains the idea behind Laser Quit therapy, why withdrawal and brain chemistry make early sobriety so hard, and why quitting the substance is only step one if the underlying trauma stays untouched. If you care about trauma healing, conscious parenting, forgiveness, and real-world addiction support, this conversation will stay with you.
Subscribe, share this with someone who needs hope, and leave a review so more people can find the show. What part of Meredith’s story challenged you the most?
To connect with Meridee follow her on Instagram @sobercoachmer
To download a free chapter of host Sylvia Worsham’s bestselling book, In Faith, I Thrive: Finding Joy Through God’s Masterplan, purchase any of her products, or book a call with her, visit her website at www.sylviaworsham.com
Transcript:
If you’ve ever struggled with fear, doubt, or worry and wondering what your true purpose was all about, then this podcast is for you. In this show, your host, Sylvia Warsham, will interview elite experts and ordinary people that have created extraordinary lives. So here’s your host, Sylvia Warsham.
Hey Lightbrunners, it’s Sylvia Warsham. Welcome to Release Out Review Purpose. And today is Meredith Lockhoff. And she has a story to share with y’all. As you know on the podcast, I love to talk about pain to purpose. I love to talk about chapters that are dark and the path to our purpose. And that’s the whole reason behind the mission of this podcast. Meredy has a story to tell. She has a story of trauma, of a horrible childhood, gone very, very wrong. And but now she’s landed in the space of a technology called laser quit. And she developed this after many bouts. It helps cure addiction. It helps with other situations in life. So I really want to get into her story so that we can understand how she landed on her purpose. So, Meridi, would you love? I would love for you to share with us that pain-to-purpose story you have to share.
Well, it’s interesting because our pain doesn’t just go away either, right? Like once we’ve been traumatized, you can have a moment where you heal that trauma, but then five minutes, five years, five months later, something from a similar moment surfaces, right? And then you have to heal again. So mine started out with my mother is uh chronically mentally ill, so she is bipolar. Um, back in the day, they used to call it manic depressive. Um, she is also borderline personality disorder, and that comes with narcissism and all these other things. She was incredibly abusive, and then my dad just wasn’t there, and he didn’t know that we were being abused when we were kids, and it was always, I don’t know how many people heard this when they were growing up, but wait till your dad gets home. If he finds out, so then it was like, oh my god, and then she beat the shit out of us, and then say, Imagine what your dad’s gonna do when he gets home and finds out that I even had to spat smack you, and then we’d be like, Oh fuck away, okay. And then, you know, so it started with that, and it was always manipulation, it was always narcissism, it was always our fault, she never took responsibility, never apologized, never anything. She now, when I say she beat the crap out of us, 90% of the time of our abuse cycle, it would start with her either fighting with me or my sister, but like we’re not talking about my sister’s story, we’re talking about mine. So it would be fighting with me or my sister chronically. And then if I started fighting with her, I would cry because I’m a very sensitive person, and my sister is very like, no, so I would cry, and then she would insert herself, and she’d be the one who got the physical abuse because I, for example, just get shoved down the stairs, and then someone else, my mom would be like, You, and it would be after her. I never fought back. You know, I take my beating and go sit in my room and shut up. Um, it got to a point where my sister was always sticking out for me from I want to say from like 10. She before that, but around 10 is when she really started taking the physical abuse for me, and that’s probably when it started to minimize for me. So I’d get like maybe one hit, maybe one shove, maybe one something, and then my sister would have the crap kicked out of her. Then it turned into because my sister had the crap kicked out of her, she and I wasn’t having the crap kicked out of me if I pissed her off when we got home from school or at school or on the way home or whatever. She would beat the living shit out of me. Twice she had me out pulled. Both times I thought I was gonna die. Um, and that was from her like asphyxiating me into the carpet both times. Um, so there’s just been a lot of that, and I feel like when we end up in lives like that, one of the things that we need to really focus on is I mean, I’m not even need to focus on, I think it’s a natural thing for us to be like, I will never fucking be like her. Excuse my language. But that was my trauma. It was I am never gonna be like that woman ever. I’m super grateful for that. In that sense, there’s a lot of people who go, you know, so extreme that they don’t they don’t discipline or parent their kids, and then there’s ones who are so extreme that they, you know, beat the crap out of their kids. And I was like, how do I find a happy medium? And I my son, I want to say he was like eight, and he was causing me a lot of problems. I was a single mom. He was causing me a lot of problems, so I started taking some of these like boys and girls club parenting classes and things like that, and in there, somewhere, what did the instructor say to me? Mary, can I ask you a question? And I was like, Yeah. And I remember just being like, like done, like, feel not when I say done with life, I mean like I just didn’t want to do anymore. I was just done. I was tired of fighting with the pe the kids, the the ex-husband, the people, that’s just it felt like it was too much. And it was always me. My son has severe ADD, he doesn’t have the hyperactive, but he does have severe ADD. So my son, anybody with a kid with ADD and ADHD, they’re very difficult because they don’t fit in this tiny little package that we’re supposed to put them in. And so I was in this class and he had seen me multiple times as an instructor, and he said, Mary, why are you trying to change him? And I was like, Are you kidding me right now? Because if he goes out in this world like this and blah, blah, blah, and I just went off and like I said, but that’s not what I said. I asked you why you’re trying to change him, because you’re essentially trying to change his core, who he is, and you don’t get that choice. And I was just like, Wait, what? He said you have a kid with ADD, which means you have a kid, not per se with issues, but doesn’t fit in the box that we have told him he needs to go into. So you cannot deal with that same child inside the box when he’s on the other side of it, and it like shifted something in me. And one of the other things he said to me is like he asked me, he said, How many times did your parents say to you because I said so? And I thought to myself, I’ve probably said that a few times and I hated it. And it was like this moment with this guy who’s talking to me about my children. He doesn’t know my kid, he just knows I’ve been doing these parenting courses. He can tell that my energy is frazzled. And this moment was like an awakening. So for me, in 2005, my kids were two and three. I started reading The Secret, and that was like the start of my journey from my drama into my my awareness, my consciousness, my spirituality. Um, but it wasn’t until around 2010 that I had this moment. And in 2010, when I had this moment with this guy, he literally said, You need to pick your battles. What ones are worth fighting? And I was like, Well, what about my daughter? And he’s like, Nope, no two children are the same, nor should they ever be treated the same. He said, It’s not that the rules need to be different, it’s that the consequences are often different. And I was like, Oh. So it really like that was my moment of really shifting from this horrible childhood, me being an asshole parent because I was, because I was just like every other parent out there because I said so. No, you can’t, shut up, sit in the corner, don’t talk. Like, I was a typical parent. I was a typical like 80s parent in the 2000s, and I just like got to this place where I was like, What did I want when I was a kid? I wanted to ask my mom if, or my dad, mostly my mom, because she was someone around, and I would, you know, want to ask her, hey, can I go hang out with my friends? And her answer would be, no. You couldn’t even, hey mom, can I no? But mom, I didn’t even uh just get out of my face. The answer is already no. And if you keep pushing me, the answer’s gonna be you’re grounded. Okay. So then you just shut up, you go lock yourself in your room, you do what you’re supposed to do. My kids came to me, and at one point I looked at them after I had had this meeting with this guy. Because they would do what every kid does this. Oh mom, mom, mom, mom, hey, mom, mom, mom, mom, I need to go see with my friends, mom, mom, mom, mom. And you’re like, no, the answer is no, go away. So instead, what I told my kids in this moment is, I’m getting frustrated with you sitting here nagging me. So I’m gonna make you a deal. From now on, you come ask me what you would like to do, and you walk away from me. And they’re like, What? I’m like, you go out, walk away and give me five minutes. And the question I started to ask myself was, why do I have a reason to say no? So, like, for example, were they bad? Did they get suspended? You know, how have they been behaved? Um, did their dad need them this weekend? Like, what what are my reasons that I should say no? Because otherwise, my answer is yes. So, even sleepovers during the week, right? Skull day sleep sleepovers. So that’s a big no-no with most parents, and with mine, it was a no-no for a long time. Then Brooke said, like, can you tell me why your answer is always no? Like, because you guys don’t sleep enough at night and you need to go to school. And Brooke was like, Oh, like she, yeah, she was like, Okay, but what if like what if I go there and prove it? And I was like, Okay, and then we made rules. Okay, so if you go there and prove it, and you come home the next day and you’re a cranky jerk to everyone in the house because you didn’t get enough sleep, you’re not doing it again. But there was communication, there wasn’t fists spying, there wasn’t anything. Um, both of my kids will tell you that there was only one time that I ever actually like, don’t get me wrong, my kids got spanked, my kids got disciplined, but I never put my hands on my kids. My each of my children would tell you there was one time, and they were both each around 14 years old. It was literally like a year apart from each other, and my son and I were having an argument about something, and he basically like didn’t like my answer, and as he walked by, he shoulder checked me, and I was like, We don’t do physical violence in this house. So as he shoulder checked me, my left hand went like this. I grabbed the back of his hoodie and I slammed him over top of my island, and I looked him in the face and I said, I never wanted to do this. You need to respect me if you want me to continue to respect you. The only time we’ve ever had an issue like that. My daughter then one year later did the exact same thing, and somehow, exact same thing, exact same reaction, grabbed her by the hair, or not even the hair, I actually accidentally grabbed her by the hair, grabbed her by the hoodie. And when I pulled her over, I had her hair in my hand and didn’t touch them, just put them over the island and looked them in the face, and they both were like, oh. And afterwards, we had conversations about it. I said, like you shoulder checked me, you got physically violent with me, and I just needed to put you in your place. We don’t do that with each other, and so we have these conversations. So the way I’ve worked through my trauma essentially is changing my own behavior with my own kids, right? Becoming the person that she isn’t becoming everything I want to be, and in this journey, I’ve always wanted so much more. Like I felt like right from the beginning I was boring for more. No idea what that more means. And I still to this day don’t necessarily because I own four businesses. Like I own a bookkeeping company and I have six staff. I have 14 locations of Laser Quit, which is my addictions company. I have a life boaching business that also does um plant medicine um sessions, and then on top of that, I’d have an online business. So I wanted to be successful because I thought money would take me away from that because essentially, as a kid, we were trailer trash. We didn’t have any money, we scraped scrimped and saved for everything. You know, my dad went on a car park, so we’d eat um pancakes for a week because mac and cheese was even too expensive. Like but I can choose either to sit and be the victim, and this is the thing I can sit and be the victim of the circumstances of my life. Well, my parents were awful, or I can allow that to shape who I am. So my parents were awful. I never want to act like that or be like that. So I’m gonna choose to do things slightly different than that, and that was awareness for me. That’s it. Came to awareness, don’t like that, not doing that anymore, gotta change this, and all of a sudden I shifted it. In 2005, when I started reading the The Secret, this actually it was when the book the book came out after the video, and so I watched the video, and there was this moment in there where this woman like gets out of bed, stubs her toe, then she’s putting on her nylons and she rips them, then she’s late for work, and I literally watched this woman in this thing, and I’m stubborn watching her stumble through her life, and I was just like, It’s me. That that’s me. I stub my toe, and then the rest of my day is garbage. And I literally had to like, yes, I had to take a minute and look inside myself and be like, what is happening? And the secret was such a great start, not the place you need to stop. So if that’s the place you’ve started, great, wonderful place. It taught me to go from the most negative person in the world to probably one of the most positive. That being said, I literally went from way the hell over here to way the hell over here, and there was no medium, which we all seem to need to do, right? We have to go, our pendulum has to swing the opposite of where we are to find our happy medium. And this whole thing called life has been this big journey of like I could be the victim, or I can be the person helping myself and others. Because when you help yourself, you’re helping others. So I can be the victim here, where you know what, as a child, I was abused, my sister beat the shit out of me, me and my sister fought. Um, then me and my sister become really close, and now we’re having another like rift in our relationship. Um, and yet in that too, there’s trauma. So my relationship with my sister is this like safe place relationship, but it’s also not. So my sister and I, for 45 years, because that’s how old I am, 45 years, we’ve been like navigating this relationship and working through it, and we’ve had to work through a lot of pains and a lot of I had to work through some trauma. Like she beat the shit out of me. So, in that, we have had to, we’ve worked so hard to have conscious communication. I hear what you’re saying, here’s my interpretation, here’s this, here’s that. Like, we’re very spiritual. I’ve shared this information with my kids, and I have to tell you that when I made that change when they were between eight and ten years old, it has changed everything in their lives, and that wasn’t necessarily the intention. Like, of course, it is, you want your kids to have the greatest life, but my change was about me. It wasn’t about it was, of course. Everything is always about us because we’ve been giving our kids the best, but it wasn’t about that in that moment when I started making the changes. I started making the changes because my mental health couldn’t handle it anymore, because I couldn’t keep doing what I was doing. I changed, and then that rippled down, and now my kids are 22 and 23 years old. And when I hear them talk to their friends, like at one point my daughter was in the back seat, her friend was having a crisis, so they were we were driving to this cow uh corn corn mace, and her friend had just had like a little mental breakdown with her boyfriend and all these things. And I’m listening to my daughter in the back as I’m driving, and she literally is like, okay, dude, and then she like lays it out there, and mine I’m not even joking while I’m sitting there, I’m like, my jaw just keeps getting bigger and bigger and bigger because my daughter sounds exactly like me telling her best friend how to man how to maneuver what she’s going through. And I was just like, in that moment, I’m so glad I decided to work through my trauma because now my children are. Whereas their friends are still so unconscious, their friends, even then, they’ll come to me and be like, Holy shit, mom, my friends are so far behind me, and I’m like, and they’ll say, like, you know, when you said taking your phone for two weeks, for 14 days I didn’t have a phone. Whereas my best friend’s dad would be like, I’m taking your phone for two weeks, and then two days later, she’d be like, Here, I’m sorry. Why are you sorry for your kid misbehaving? So I held my boundaries. I was very consistent. I can tell you, I’m pretty consistent still, because that was like a key to my whole life, and that consistency is what has changed everything in my life, like everything in my life.
That’s awesome.
I love I love your story in that you made a couple of points, and I just want to recap for those listening. You could have stayed victim mode, but chose not to. You chose to actually put yourself through parenting classes because you didn’t want to be like your parents were to you. And in that parenting class, you had somebody that kind of shed some light into why you were trying to control your son. Like, why were you trying to control his circumstances and tried to change him to be someone he wasn’t because he had severe ADD. What I also found interesting was that your journey kind of took several failings, if you will, to get to where you just said, I need to heal. Like what happened to me was not my responsibility, but I am choosing to heal because I don’t want to be this person. And I find that so so enlightening for a lot of reasons, because in this foreign world, and I say that very specifically, people are all about me, me, me, me, me, oh, what is me, and they want to stay in that space. Yet they want the change and they want to produce the fruit of, in my case, the fruit of the spirit, which is a higher level of thinking and a higher level of being. That means we have got to resist the desires of what we really want to do, which is to stay in our victimhood, uh, in lieu of being spirit-led and be do the work that will get us in line with our light.
That I think is so you said that victim thing. For me, in fact, even whether it’s me or anyone else, someone playing the victim, someone being the victim in a situation is incredibly triggering for me. And again, triggering means it’s a me thing. This is my issue. Now, that being said, the reason I find it triggering is because when you’re the victim, you have no power to change the outcome. But in my spiritual beliefs, I believe that you came here knowing what you are getting into, even if we, this physical body, this mind doesn’t know. My spirit essentially, let’s say it went to a movie theater, it saw five things play out, and not even what was gonna happen in the life. It went, here’s the five lessons you can learn in this life, here’s the five lessons you can learn in this one, this one, this one, this one. Which one do you want? And then you chose for the overall consciousness, you chose that this life and these lessons were the ones you wanted. So when anything is happening to you, remember that you chose this moment to be in, which means that you are not a victim. No, the victim needs to shut up because you chose anytime you make a choice, now even staying in victim is the choice. And this, I actually listened to a podcast from Oprah, and she was talking about people who have been molested. And at first, I was so offended for people who had been molested because this woman says essentially the victim is the victim, and she does not take from that. But what she says is, where can the victim take responsibility? And when I heard that, I was like, the victim taking responsibility, like I was infuriated for people who have been molested. And then I realized that she was right because she continues and she says, My responsibility in being molested was telling someone when I was told not to. That’s my responsibility, and my responsibility is stopping it that I didn’t. That is the victim’s responsibility. So now, if you can take that place, and again, when I listened, so if you guys are pissed at me right now, I get it. And listen to this podcast, when she got to the end, I was like, holy shit, I have quite a few friends who have been molested, and I life coped quite a few people. And this was one of those conversations I had with them in a very gentle way of like, well, if we look at it like this, how can you take responsibility? And that changed everything. So for me, when anything that feels negative or overwhelming or hard or heavy or any of the lower vibration feelings, anytime I’m experiencing anything like that, my first question to myself is why is this happening and what can I learn? Yeah, right? If I if they’re the for me, where’s my ownership in this? In this situation, where’s my ownership? Yes, and challenges are here to teach you a lesson. They’re not here to punish you, they’re not here to make you a victim, they are here to teach you. So, in the moment that things start to feel that way, going, okay, so this is challenging. What am I supposed to learn? Can you teach me? And if you can’t see it, ask. Okay, universe, show me why this is what you’ve put in front of me, please. Even if it doesn’t show you right away, it’ll show you hindsight. There is a reason, I promise you, that I put that here, and it’s here to make you better. The universe isn’t here to make you worse. The universe isn’t here to punish you. This is a place of experience. That’s it.
Yep. So don’t choose like what happens to us, right? Like in my case. I was bullied in high school, right? What happened with that bullying is that I became a victim subconsciously. I didn’t Realized that it had happened very recently. I’m a very faith-based person, but I also received three miracles in 72 hours. So I my relationship with Christ has been one that has been very solid for a while now. Um and it’s only gotten better and better. And the more the more I turn turn towards Him as opposed to what the outside world is telling me to do, the more I hear that whisper more frequently. And I know it’s Him when I’m being led spirit-led versus ego-led.
Oh, a thousand percent.
Ego is very clearly seen when it’s fear-based. When it’s all about pride, it’s all about if you’re not coming from love, it’s your ego.
Because your ego doesn’t come from a place of love, right?
Yeah. And what I found was that my bullied identity was showing up a lot. When my pride showed up in my marriage, it was her showing up. And I didn’t understand, I had learned this long ago. Back in 2018, I had learned under someone who taught me neurolinguistic programming and all about victimhood. So I had already learned this. I had actually put it in my first manuscript, in my first book. But you know how life is sometimes you forget when you get out of practice. And so God came over and said, Okay, baby girl, you’ve already learned this, but I guess you need a refresh course. Let me send you someone that can share it with you more about this subject matter. And the same week in my podcast, I interviewed two individuals that had um gone through a journey that had revealed their little kid identities. And when they shared that information with me, it’s like everything in my head went click, and I realized I was like, Oh, I know what that missing piece is. And I sat with her, and I had to sit with my bullied self and say, Sylvia, I know you feel triggered by these things. I know why. You’re you’re trying to teach me something. You’re my pain is trying to teach me something. It’s you’re trying to protect me, and I get why you’re doing that, except right now it’s hurting me, it’s it’s causing a lot of strife in our marriage. So I need you to back up. And I just want you to say thank you for all the lessons you’ve taught me that I will now be putting in place, but I don’t need your help anymore. And I sat with her and I gave her all the love and compassion that she needed. Because no one, see, I I grew up in a in a family where I was the oldest, and because I also had ADD like your son, not quite as severe, but somewhat. In those years, we were misdiagnosed. We were not, I wasn’t even diagnosed, yeah, to put it morally. Uh, my brother was diagnosed with ADHD because he couldn’t sit still, he had the hyperactive part of it. My sister, I think, also suffered from it, but she too went undiagnosed forever until she got into medical school. Um, but long story short, I was the responsible kid that no one looked at. No one like paid attention to her because she was the disciplined, responsible older sister.
You had no reason for it.
I had no reason. And I had trauma when I was seven with my dad. It was an emotional kind of, I wouldn’t call it abuse, but it was a verbal attack, if you will, that came out of his fear-based belief systems in growing up. And and as a life coach, because I’m a certified life coach, I understand that now. Yeah, understand where that came from from do it, but my seven-year-old didn’t. And she would show up in my marriage when she felt like when she felt like her husband was gonna leave her if she didn’t fix things, and so she would pursue him. And you know, when you’re pursuing someone that’s already like dysregulated, that’s a very bad situation. Yeah, and you’re people pleasing, and you you cope as you can, right? You’re not doing it to to aggravate or trigger someone, you’re doing because you don’t realize you’re doing it.
Yeah, yeah.
It’s not a subconscious level.
So my sister calls it clawing after. When my sister and I would fight, I’d like keep questioning, keep questioning, keep questioning, keep questioning, and she’d just be like, Whoa, can you give me a fucking minute to think about what you just said? And I’d be like, Whoa, yeah, yeah. I started doing one of the things I was gonna ask you is um in the work you’re talking about, are you referring to internal family systems? No, so that’s a really interesting because what you’re referring to is essentially internal family systems. So Sylvia is a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend. Like Sylvia is all these things, but in her past, she’s also been abused, she’s also been the oldest, she’s also been um yelled at by her dad. So there’s different pieces of you, and every single time, and I repeat this to my kids all the time, every single time, you and your ego essentially are having this like fight of um who’s gonna win. If you’re not coming from love, then it’s your ego, period. And doing some internal family work, I actually learned that like a good portion of the time when I was acting out, lashing out, doing those things that hurt, um, all of those things were essentially me. Um just trying to think of the best way to make it was my my inner child driving my car. So what I tell my kids is, would you let your five-year-old brother drive your truck and take you to and from work? And my kids are like, Why would I do that? And I was like, because that’s what you’re doing right now and the way you’re acting with me in this communication we’re having. The five-year-old is triggered, and therefore he is currently driving the truck, and I’m not letting my five-year-old drive my car anywhere because my five-year-old knows nothing about what this 45-year-old woman knows. So, in internal family systems, you kind of meditate a little bit, you find the sensation in your body. So, mine is often in my solar plexus, and you’ll find that sensation, and then you just close your eyes and just follow it. And then while you’re following it, you’re asking, whatever it is that I feel here, can you please service? If after, say, two to three minutes nothing is servicing, asking your the protector. Because there’s a piece of us that is a protector, there’s a piece of us that is the bully because we’ve been bullied. So there’s all these pieces. So I will stop and ask the protector, whoever it is that’s protecting this feeling, can you please step aside? And I ask them, like all in my head, it’s like a darker room, and over here there’s another room, and I say, Can you please go sit in that room? You can watch everything that happens with me and this this piece of me. I promise you, I’m not here to hurt her. I just need to speak with her, love her, and you can stay right there. If you’re concerned, you can come back out within a few minutes. I literally can like picture that that, and it’s not even a physical body of mine. I just see like this thing move out of the way, and then I hear it come forward. I’m so angry when I was whatever, and this suddenly this memory comes up, and now I can ask her, What do you need from me right now? I’m I’m not the five-year-old that you are love. I’m actually 45, and I notice that every time I tell them how old I am, they’ll kind of like, what? They don’t realize how old you actually are. So you do need to tell them, and that’s in the books too. It says, Tell them how old you are, because they’re not gonna know, and then they’re gonna be like, Oh, maybe I can trust you. And you develop trust with the other pieces of yourself so that you can then process everything, right? The pieces of yourself then all become one instead of being these individualized well, it’s the concept I talked about in my book.
I refer to it as the ego, soul, and spirit all becoming one. You gotta be able to empower the ego. The ego is not the problem.
Nope.
The ego is the self-image, and if that self-image is comprised of fear-based belief systems, that was is what needs to shift over to the side of love. And we can all do that. It’s easy to do that, is when you start to believe that you’re not that identity anymore, and that takes time. That takes time and takes baby steps, and it takes interrupting some of these thought patterns of behaving. That’s all it is. Yeah, it’s taking that thought captive and making it obedient to Christ, in my case, right? Like that I use scripture, and so you use the word universe, I use the word Christ. And it’s like capturing that and just saying, I’m gonna, this is not of love. He is the he was the person of love. That’s he made a choice to die for all of us on a cross. He did not do. He did not, um, he didn’t say, Oh, well, I’m the God of the world, I don’t have to do this, you know. No, he didn’t say that. He said, Okay, I’ll go to a chance. Let me show you how to be better and more loving to someone that has hurt you and betrayed you. Because you had a parent that betrayed you. That that did not keep you safe.
Well, and the catch is too, is even in this day, to this day, not a relationship I have at all, because you know, even then her and I had a conversation about okay, well, maybe we should do some therapy to try and fix this. And her response to me was I already have all the tools in my toolbox. And I thought, you have all the tools, but you’re not gonna build them. So you’re gonna try and build the frame of a house without a hammer? Yeah, and that’s not because then the next time the hammer comes flying, the whole thing’s coming crashing down. So I actually said to her, I appreciate that you’re even willing to go here, but I just realized that I don’t have the time or energy to dedicate to this. So I’m done with this relationship. We haven’t spoken in five years. She refers to her other children, and I am not in her when she talks about my children. She only speaks about her my brother, my younger brother and my older sister. So there’s still hurt, and I just went to my niece’s wedding, and my mom made it the most difficult. Like, I have when I left there, I balled for the first 30 minutes of the drive, leaving that place because I felt so terrible. And they my daughter’s like, Why are you taking it so personally? You don’t even care. And I was like, Did you see how she was treating me? Did you see how they all treated me because of the way she treated me? Like, it just was too much, and that is my mother.
But because they’re afraid of her. That’s the reason why they treat her. They are terrible.
And I’m the only one who’s been willing to stand up against her. I’ve fought against her, she’s taken me to court, she’s tried to take my kids from it. You name it, this woman has tried to ruin my life. Why would I entertain going back there? So, what I have learned, I will love you from afar, because if I hate you from afar, I’m drinking poison waiting for you to die, and I’m not gonna die because of you, you aren’t worth that to me. So I’m gonna quit drinking your poison and I’m gonna pretend that you don’t exist. And that’s how I’ve had to do it. Now I’m at the place where if she’s there, I probably just won’t be. Because it just is that bad. And I don’t think that my life I don’t need to put myself in a situation to feel that way.
Have you forgiven her out of curiosity? Have you forgiven her?
Um, I’m gonna say I did a um DMT session. Um where it took my anger. This was way before the wedding. Okay, this is about two years ago. I did a DMT session.
Actually, I did two, and they do tell the listeners what DMT stands for, though.
It is a psych uh psychedelic plant medicine. So it is taken off the backs of tw uh toads, it’s taken from various places, and it is the one the version that I did was you smoke um the crystal essentially. Um that one is like somebody hit you with a bus. Uh the liquid version that you can take is more like you got hit by a truck. So it’s like the liquid version is a much more gentle, kind version, whereas the crystal is a lot more like, hey, you want to wake up, I’m gonna wake you up. So I did do it, and I will tell you that that day, in the session of doing it, I actually sat with God. There was no face, it was an energy, and we sat and it was dark, and he was beside me. I learned what enlightenment was, and then he showed me how we were all connected, essentially through like I want to say roots is essentially what he showed me. Um we talked about forgiveness for a second, and then everything changed, he wasn’t with me anymore, and it was for me, it was a masculine energy, a safe energy is actually what I should say, and for me, safe usually means masculine because my dad was a safer place. Um in that I there’s just been so many different pieces of this journey, right? Like every time you like move through one, something else comes to you for you to move through that, and then this one can still come up later, like you were saying. So it’s like just an ongoing healing. Yeah, right. And so I don’t want to say I didn’t forgive her, but in that session, it showed me all I saw was like what you guys could see right now, is like my fingers, and I saw like this green ball, and I was staring at it, and I said, What is that? And I don’t know why I even said what is it? I was just so confused, standing there after talking to God, and I’m standing there, and all of a sudden there’s hands and it’s got a green ball, and I’m like, What is that? And it kind of giggled at me, it said it’s your heart, and I was like, What? And it’s like it’s your heart, and I’m gonna heal it. And it literally, the green just got so big and bright, and then it went poof and just disappeared. And I was like, the color of the chakra, the the green isn’t that sometimes that’s what it is. And it’s my interpretation, because for me, the chakra of the heart is green, so maybe that’s why it showed it in that way.
But it knows us very well, right? God knows us very, very well. He knows he hears our thoughts, how to talk to us, he knows he sees every wound, he knows how to talk to us to where we receive it and the way we need to receive it to understand it at his level, exactly, which is a much higher level than what we’re used to thinking on this. Yes.
Well, and not just that, they say that it lifts the veil, and it really does. I find DMT, it is kind of scary because it’s really interesting. When you die, the last 10 minutes of brain activity, even without without your heart reading and all the stuff, your brain is releasing DMT, which is essentially what I’m talking about, you guys. So you actually have DMT in your brain, and when you die, that’s what happens, it releases it. So people who have been shocked back to life, if they have ever passed, those people will tell you that the sensation that you initially get from DMT is the same as dying, in the sense that, like, something happens when you take the first puff or so, suddenly you get heavy, like you’re laying there, and all of a sudden you’re like, it feels like something pushing on here, and you’re like, Oh my god. That part is scary. That is the lifting of the veil. That’s taking you essentially, it feels like it’s taking you into another realm. You can sit here and look at it be high, like normal people that just want to use drugs. I only use it for spiritual reasons, so my eyes are almost always closed. So it’s always things that are inside here, not inside here.
Yeah, right? No, no, I mean we’re fighting with higher in spiritual realm. We’re not fighting here on earth. We’re fighting.
I’m gonna tell you DMT was such a game changer because it’s weeks that it continues to affect your brain chemicals, and there’s so many downloads that will come to you. I have it healed me, is what I’m gonna tell you. So, no, maybe I I personally haven’t like made a conscious choice to forgive my mom, but I have chosen to stop drinking the poison. So I’m not gonna kill myself over her anymore. I do have difficulty forgiving her for what she’s done because I’m a mother and I would never do that. But also, I don’t want to keep holding anger towards her.
And then I had the weekends, we can attract abundance. And this is the whole premise of the secret when we’re holding on to resentment inside. Yeah. Right? Yeah, and so you don’t have to have her in your life. You know, if I were coaching you, it’d be like, you don’t have to have her in your life. In fact, it like likelihood the therapy therapists and coaches alike would tell you is probably best that you didn’t really benefit. However, the forgiveness piece is a gift you’re giving yourself. Yes, okay, she’s gonna have to deal with that with God directly. Yep. Because she has dishonored him first by hurting you because your health kid.
She’s dishonored God a lot. Yes, and that’s where I just go with it’s her karma, and that’s why I I I I want to forgive her. I think part of the problem is forgiving someone who is continuing to do it. How do you forgive someone who’s continuing to purposely hurt you? Like messaging my children to tell them what a horrible person I am for both my kids to say, please don’t message me stuff like this, we’re not interested.
No.
You know, like there’s there’s it’s it’s constant. This woman just hasn’t stopped because she’s still angry, because she’s still hurt.
So I what is her history? I’m curious now.
What did she get abused as a kid? Do you know? So hearing the stories that her mom, like my grandmother, told me, yes, but never even anywhere near as extreme as us. But I don’t know because here’s the thing that I’ve also noticed we all normalize our fucking trauma, excuse my language, but we do, we all just normalize it. So when I talk about the fact that like I got beat up when I was a kid, I literally like lift my shoulders and I’m like, man, I got beat up as a kid. We normalize our trauma. So I have a 23-year-old kid that my kids are um best friends with, and something really bad happened to her. And sorry, that’s my dog that you guys can hear snoring. Um something really bad happened to her, and she is busy trying to protect the people who have hurt her. And in that, I realized like that’s like this the similar of watching the situation and watching the similarities is so interesting because what happened to her is very different than what happened to me, but our growing up relationship with our mother was the same, and so her and I’ll have so many conversations with her to walk away from her mother, who has done nothing but hurt her, is one of the most difficult things. So, not having a mom is incredibly difficult. And I essentially had two because my mom didn’t actually raise me, my sister did, and my mom would, you know, inflict pain, and then my sister would too. So when I actually sat down, and this was only three or four months ago, I sat down and wrote my resentments to both my mom and my sister for what they did to me raising me, and I couldn’t believe that they were exactly the same. Like it could be exact same.
Because the modeling was the same. Like your sister also received horrific burnings, you know, and she did it out of love for you because she didn’t want she loved you enough to get beat up herself. Now that’s going to change someone, it’s going to traumatize them, and hurt kids hurt other kids. We know that in psychology. So I’m curious, perhaps maybe next steps might be the forgiveness piece in your own space. You don’t have to be in front of them, but in your own mind, it’s like turning inward and and having God help you release that because we need help when we forgive. I’ll tell you, um, I was angry at my father for decades for what happened. Uh God had prompted me to write my first manuscript in 2020. I had resisted him for 13 years. I told God no, because I didn’t feel like I had anything of worth to share with the world. Who was I? Why were you choosing me? And he’s like, trust me on this, it’s time. It’s time that you’re running. And basically, he’s running out of time because he said he knew that my father was going to pass away in four years, time frame from 2020. And he knew that if I didn’t forgive him, I was going to regret it. It’s going to hold me from stepping into my purpose fully. It was going to distract me. And the enemy was going to use that to distract me even more. So I wrote the book, and as I sat with everything, and I reflected, first of all, in my father’s abusive past, like highly abusive past. I realized my father acted out of fear, primarily, you know, and said the things that he said to me. It wasn’t to hurt me. Or in fact, when my father found out just how much he had hurt me, he flew to Dallas, Texas. I was at Austin College and getting my undergraduate degree. And I had been in therapy, I’d been doing EMDR to try to understand my anger towards him. I couldn’t understand, my mind had blocked it. And we were going through like what I thought was like the trauma, but it kept getting like stopped at a certain point. I was like, there’s something here that is traumatic for my mind to stop here. And then I would we were home to get our um I remember like I belonged in the Catholic Church back then, and it was our confirmation, that’s what it was. And we’re sitting at lunch with our godparents or whatever, and my dad, for whatever reason, starts talking about this trauma. I don’t know why. I mean. I now know it was probably the Holy Spirit that was nudging him to talk about it. And somewhere deep inside of me, something went click and it unlocked. And I realized what he had done. And I turned to him and in anger, I said, Do you remember what you told me? You told me that if my sister died, it was going to be my fault. A day of fun was going to be my fault. And I prayed and I begged God to save my sister, and she survived. I clearly didn’t emotionally. I clearly died that day. And I went from being seven years old to being like 27 years old in one night. Because it just changed me. I I became their parent. I was responsible for their life and their well-being. Because you as a father failed me. And he flew to Dallas. And my dad was this big, like mo nonsense, like perfectionist. He was a surgeon and passed away last year. All the turning points, all the big turning points of my life. And at the end, I chapter one was my anger and why I behaved the way I behaved, and chapter 15 was identify joyfully identifying with my soul identity. That was the title of the chapter. And I remember just the forgiveness piece coming. And the release, Meredith. Just the release I felt. It was like the cage I had put myself in had like just went like this. It just released completely. I was no longer a victim to my mindset, to my victimhood anymore. I forgave him. And my husband now, my second husband, was like, I he goes, I could never understand how from one day to the next, it was like there was no more anger. It was like a supernatural occurrence.
It feels like that was DMT for me because I left there and I was like, I’m not angry at her anymore. No. I mean, I’m I’m feeling anger again because of the fact that like if she can, she will do whatever she can to hurt me. Meaning, if we’re in the same place, she’s gonna make sure, like, for example, we my sitting, my daughter and I are sitting there having a conversation at the wedding, and all of a sudden my mother is somehow right in between us and just staring at me. And I was like, Can I help you? And she just ignored me and turned her back to me and started talking to people I was talking to. Like, just like stupid childish shit like that. But that’s the stuff that I get angry about because I’m not doing that to you. I’m not stimulating any drama with you, I’m not doing any of the things I’m trying to be mature. Yeah. And now you’re pissing me off. Like you’re childish.
Well, you’re choosing, but you’re choosing to be pissed off. I’m gonna put it right back at you. You’re making that choice. You have a choice, you have the ego identity that’s telling you to be pissed off, and the soul identity is saying, Why? Like you don’t really, this shouldn’t really bother you, but there’s something that’s bothering you. So I’m going to challenge you, maybe, in one of your sessions, to like try to uncover what it is really that’s the block, so that you can release yourself from this. Because she could be standing in front of you and it’s not gonna trigger you anymore. I guarantee you. But it’s because there’s something there that your pain wants you to identify. Your pain is trying to teach you something.
It is, and it’s crazy because it’s all linked to these all these events that have been happening over the last 10 months.
Yes, yes. So now it’s time. I think it’s time for you to really discover what that is. Okay? But you gotta go. I’m sure she’ll have plenty to say to you.
Always.
And as I was saying, this the Holy Spirit made his presence now, and I get tingling sensations from the crown of my head into my heart space. So I know it’s him, and he’s saying, Yep, that’s meant for her. So so I was just being obedient and saying it. Um, do tell us about laser quit. What is this about?
Um I’m curious what this is about and how it ties in the laser ties into all of this stuff in the sense that like the the the laser side of who I am, because I call like I’m called the laser quit queen in most places that I’m known of, and it’s because I push this. And the core of it is that all of our addictions are our solutions to a problem being that I had a feeling I didn’t want to feel and I ran away from it. So we actually have this incredible treatment that will trick your brain into thinking you’ve already got the fix. Most people have no detox symptoms. Like it is incredible. And it regulates your brain chemicals because anytime that you use any kind of substance for long periods of time, whether it’s two weeks, two months, two years, 20 years, you are changing the chemical and physiological makeup of your brain. So when it goes to recover from that, when you stop, it crashes so hard when you’re detoxing and then takes up to 14 months to regulate itself to get to a normal place where it goes back to that. In that 18 months, 14 to 18 months, you are more depressed, more sad, more dysregulated than you were when you even started using the substance in the first place to cover up the feelings. So now you’re getting sober, and your mind is in a place that’s worse than it was before you started using in the first place, and they just want you to get sober. So depression, anxiety, sadness, all of these things are happening because your endorphins are crashed. Now, I’m telling you, from the saddest place you’ve ever been in your life, it’s time to heal. That’s not gonna work. So, what laser does is it actually tricks your brain into thinking that it’s gotten the fix, makes you feel normal or as close to normal as you’re going to. It does take a the first treatment will get you so that you don’t want to use drugs, the second treatment locks it in. Um, drugs, alcohol, porn, gambling, any kind of addiction. Um and then once we get you to this place where your brain works and you’re like, I can deal with my addiction, you actually need to deal with the trauma that causes the addiction. So when I’m capable of dealing with the drug itself and not using it, only then am I capable of starting to move forward with the healing that needs to happen for me to actually do this. Right? So in laser quit, I use a lot of my life coaching because that’s what teaches people. It’s you can anybody can stop using drugs, but if you stop using drugs and you don’t actually start to like look at the problem, you’re gonna be right back using drugs again. Like this isn’t a the there’s no because you started using drugs to numb something in you.
Yes, that’s because there’s some trauma there that needs to be healed that you don’t heal yet. If you don’t heal it, it keeps coming back and it just manifests in different ways. That’s all it does. Yeah, if you stop the addiction to say alcohol, you may pick up addiction to pills or oh yeah, they might addict it all the time.
We call it dry drunking when they’re still acting out their abuse without the substance, we call it dry drunking. You’re still acting your your addiction out without using substances, it almost makes it worse. So, how long does this take, though? How long does it the initial treatment is about 45 minutes, and then after there, they’re about 30 minutes each. Um, everyone’s is different on how their body’s reacting and stuff like that, but there’s certain packages, so we have our initial treatments that get you clean, and then we have step-down packages after that that we do this. So if someone’s interested in getting sober and starting to work on their lives, tell them to give me a shout and I can get you hooked up. Like I said, we have 14 locations. We are also looking for partners. So people who already have a business that you know may want to add this service to their business, is what we’re looking for, so we can expand across the world and really get this out there because this is going to be a game changer for addiction uh when it’s recognized.
Okay, so tell me more. Do you get certified in doing this or did you create this?
And I charge you a commission for selling the product yourself. So you sell the product, you make the money, and then you pay me my commission off of it. Okay. So it’s an additional service you can offer inside your own business area offering that will bring you some income additional income.
Did you create this or did you join forces with?
I created this.
You created this.
I spent five years at the beginning of my um entrepreneurship with this particular business. Uh, I spent the first five years experimenting. So I’m not really good at following rules, I’m a rule breaker, I’m always challenging the norm. I’m always like, oh, this works. Okay, let’s make it better. So I spent five years challenging that, working on people with their permission, and I’d be like, I’m gonna try something different. Let me know how you feel. One of the only the biggest consistent things that I found was that certain treatment that I do works better than the others, and that if someone has a tongue ring and doesn’t tell me, it will strip pull treatment. So in five years, I learned quite a bit to make my business what it is. Okay.
So these are 14 locations, whereabouts are they?
Mostly in British Columbia and Alberta. But like I said, we are looking for partnerships so that we can get this all over the world. I realized I just can’t have a hundred franchises that I’m running. I want you to run your own business and I want you to make money, and I just want to make sure that we’re getting up there. And then I need money to keep getting out to more people.
So Yeah. I think you know what? I could hear your accent throughout it. I was like, this girl’s Canadian, but I just don’t know why I know that. Um I also live in Canada, so maybe that’s why. Even just for a month, I could pick, I was like, wow, there is an accent here that I’m hearing, and it’s not you, and this is not an American accent. So no Canadian girl. Yeah, I can tell. I can tell now. But um, so if we wanted to reach you or wanted to buy from you, how can we?
Um the website laserquit.net is one. Laserquittherapy.ca is the other. Uh, if you want to find me on social media, uh laserquit.therapy on Instagram, LaserQitherapy on Facebook. My personal Instagram is sobercoachmare. Um and then all of those have ways to access directly to me. So use any of those sources to get in touch with us.
I’ll definitely be linking up with you on Instagram and be checking out your your stuff and to just support because that’s usually what I do with my guests. Um, I want to thank you, Mary, for being honest, vulnerable, authentic on the show. Uh, don’t worry about the cussing. You know, I have a cup that says I love Jesus, but I cuss a little. So, you know, I’m okay. I’m okay with the cussing. I do, I’m a Mexican and I think in Spanish, and when I get angry, Spanish, bad words come out of me. So it’s okay. It’s all right.
I know pretty they’re not crazy.
Yeah, they’re not ugly to sound, like sound them out. But, anyways, um, I do want to thank you very, very much. I I very much enjoyed our conversation. Um, and I will be praying for you if that’s okay with you. Yes. Um, because I do think that uh forgiveness is definitely on your horizon. You’ve heard it enough, so yeah, I think that’s the next step.
Yeah.
Uh just to you know, free yourself. It’s a gift for you, it’s not for her. That’s fine. So that’s you know, if she wants to heal, that’s between her and God, and that’ll be up to her, yeah, you know, to do that. But you at least were obedient and did what you were supposed to do, you know, like what your role is, right? Taking ownership for your role in it. Yeah, well it is. Um, for the listeners that release that reveal purpose, remember Matthew 5 14 to be the light, be the light like Meredith. You know, she could have chosen to stay to stay in those dark chapters in that victimhood, and she didn’t. She she chose to step out and to be a big bright light in Canada. And I want you to challenge yourself to be the same, you know, because your light is beautiful, and you are meant to shine it brightly in this world, and humanity needs you to do that more than ever. So I want to encourage everybody to be the light. Have a wonderful week. Stay safe, love y’all. Bye now.
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