Relationship coach André Paradis reveals how men and women operate with fundamentally different communication systems that cause constant misunderstandings despite speaking the same language. His personal journey from feeling like “a mistake” to becoming an expert in relationship dynamics showcases how understanding gender differences can transform troubled relationships.
• Men primarily need respect while women primarily need love and connection
• Women filter everything through feelings while men operate through logic and linear thinking
• Women constantly assess safety in ways men don’t understand or experience
• Interrupting a man is deeply disrespectful while women often communicate by talking simultaneously
• Masculine energy doesn’t naturally help other masculine energy – men respond to feminine energy
• Childhood wounds create relationship patterns that repeat until addressed
• Men compartmentalize emotions as a survival mechanism which women misinterpret as not caring
• Most relationship conflicts stem from not understanding your partner’s operating system
• Trying to change your partner instead of understanding them creates constant friction
Email André at andrecoaching1@gmail.com with “irresistible book” in the subject line to receive his free book “The Five Feminine Qualities High Value Men Find Absolutely Irresistible” or with “talk now” to schedule a free consultation.
Transcript:
Speaker 1:
If you’ve ever struggled with fear, doubt or worry and wondering what your true purpose was all about, then this podcast is for you. In this show, your host, sylvia Worsham, will interview elite experts and ordinary people that have created extraordinary lives. So here’s your host, sylvia Worsham.
Speaker 2:
Hey, lightbringers, it’s Sylvia Worsham. Welcome to Released Out Revealed Purpose. And today’s André Paradis and how I know how to pronounce his name is he’s French-Québécois and I lived in Chicoutimi for a month in January and I was a Texas girl, so that was really a shocker. But I’ve read his story. He has a very dysfunctional start to his story, but it’s full of wisdom and light towards the end, because he ends up becoming a relationship coach based on what had happened in his first act in life. So, without further ado, andré, thank you so much for joining us on Released Out Revealed Purpose today.
Speaker 3:
Good morning, good to be with you.
Speaker 2:
It’s awesome to be with you as well, and I know you have an amazing story to share, so let’s dive deep in here and let’s give these guys a really good show.
Speaker 3:
So I want to give you my title first. So my name is André Perdy. I’m based in Los Angeles, originally French-Canadian, I understand your story and now I’m a relationship coach and NLP practitioner. That’s how I help people with stress. I mean, the trauma from the nervous system is essential. I can’t get anybody in a healthy relationship until we clean up the old baggage. We all have it. We forget about it. So that’s a huge part of the work. And then the ABCs of building a healthy long-term relationship.
Speaker 3:
In these crazy modern times, because we kind of liberate everybody, we equalize everything, we think life should be easier and it’s actually very and the wrong relationship is terrible, terrible. Everybody is confused, nothing is working. There’s a very good reason for that, it’s called nature, anyway. So that’s the work. But my story started at the age of five. We talked about it earlier. Right, when your consciousness comes with your feelings, when you can actually have thoughts, we come online.
Speaker 3:
At the age of five, all of us sort of be able to analyze and think about what’s going on around us and our family. So at five years old, as I come online, I realized like a hammer to the head that I was born in the wrong family. These were not my people. A terrible mistake was made somewhere. I was terrified, right as a kid, like terrifying. I have four siblings and I’m alone and so I don’t belong here, right. So really weird, weird stuff. I come to find out my mother. I was in an accident. She didn’t want to be pregnant, she hated being pregnant and as they came out, continued kind of trying to deny that was okay, well, get it.
Speaker 3:
So what happened to me is all of my internal radar kind of turned outward at that moment. I was a kid watching everyone, everything, trying to understand my circumstances, the world, you know, and then got fascinated with the human condition. How come this guy’s a stud and this guy’s a geek and this guy’s a mad genius, this guy’s a fat, you know whatever? And and you can’t look in the eye, right, like boys and girls, like this one’s loose and this one is, you know that, like how, how to get to be us considering. So that was fascinating to me.
Speaker 3:
But I was a kid watching everybody from the corner my whole life, my whole life just watching people, and you understand that it becomes a fine-tuned ability to tap into people, to sense where they’re going through it, right. So it’s very helpful for my work, but it started because of that, so continued my life. At 23, I started doing personal development workshop because I didn’t know who I was, I didn’t know why I was here. I was lost and confused completely. But every time I didn’t think I was going to be here very long because like I’m not supposed to be here, like I just I’m so.
Speaker 2:
Well, you were a mistake, right? That’s what they told you. You were a mistake.
Speaker 3:
They didn’t want you. So, yeah, yeah, so you know it was anyway, so that you know it’s personal development, trying to find out, you know, figure out who I’m going to be. And every time, because every time I thought you know, I think I’m just going to check out of here, and and every time there’s this little whisper in my heart, they go, nope, there’s something huge for you to do. Oh, okay, so I became a professional commercial dancer. I think you know this. I worked my way from Quebec all the way to Los Angeles. I worked with Michael Jackson, prince Paul Abdul, little glazes I actually made it to the 1%, traveled the world for 15 years performing and teaching.
Speaker 3:
I saw my wife. I had my wife in my class. Ooh, ooh, ooh. Where else is it going to be to go right? So, phase wife, I have my wife in my class. You know, where else are you going to be to go?
Speaker 3:
So phase two of my life did this for 15 years, I can say. And then it started to start the family. So that’s when I get grounded. I quit going on the road. I was going to be not like my parents. I was going to be present to raise my kids. So I opened a car shop in los angeles. Uh, the car, the shop, was not heard of. God, I did it really good, but it was intentional. I my. My business was six minutes from my house and the kids school was two blocks away. So both my wife and I it gives me goosebumps were at every recital, every parade, every whatever right. Like the two seats, not one, not her. Both of us were always there for everything as the kids go, and that’s the way I wanted it, because I remember the empty seats my whole life you know, so that was.
Speaker 3:
That was. That was very, very important to me. And then, um, as I continued personal development, my the whole time, like I never stopped. I was kind of a you know workshop head. We call it right. We’re workshop heads that we just want to do more workshop and more learning. And in Los Angeles the community is rather small, even though there’s 11 million people here there’s still you keep running into the same people in that line of work.
Speaker 3:
18 years ago, coming out of another workshop, somebody I met in that workshop says to me, on a flight back from San Jose, we’re sitting the three of us her boyfriend and me in the same row and I’m thinking, wow, that me. On a flight back from San Jose, we’re sitting the three of us her boyfriend and me in the same row and I remember thinking, wow, that’s interesting, 200 people on the plane. I’m sitting with somebody. I know that’s interesting, right, taking life first random, at that time. That was the last time and the number four pivot in my life. That changed the course of my life in a second. The lady says to me what are you doing next weekend? I, next weekend, I’m actually free. Why she goes? You want to come to a workshop. It’s on me. I’m like absolutely, workshop head. I don’t know. I don’t even know what the workshop’s about. I want to learn something, right? So I’m jumping sure, because these things get expensive. I’m invited and then I go. What’s the workshop?
Speaker 3:
she’s like oh, it’s called understanding women well, that’s cool well, you know my, my first reaction was, you know my friends just roll their eyes, they go. They don’t even know themselves how they explain what my. That wasn’t. My reaction was not that. My reaction was because I attracted excuse me, I’ve always attracted sweet women. I thought I knew something. That’s all I could tell you. I’m easygoing, I’m artistic, right, so I okay. So I thought I knew something, though I couldn’t explain it.
Speaker 3:
So I go in that workshop thinking it’s gonna be cute, and I walked in the space, one of the big um ballroom of the uh, lax airport, one of the big hotels, and by the airport walked in there 400 people. Oh, wow, not cute, like I, just we could taste it was in the air. Like this is okay. So I sit down and I’m seeing women this guy who knows women, all I can tell you is that in the workshop my brain was all over the walls and my brain exploded. I couldn’t freaking believe the things that I heard. I couldn’t just oh, I came off my chair, I think seven times, and every time we had a big bomb of like this is how women operate, this is how and why, and. And the workshop leader would say okay, so, so you don’t think it’s just me who’s crazy. Up front, take five minutes and check with the ladies around you, because it was women in the audience stage all around us, man, right, and I remember there was 19 years thanks to me and I go, no, she’s like, yeah, but that’s crazy. You know, sometimes I think we’re crazy, but that would make me like, yeah, that’s how we do it, right, and I’m all anyway. So confirm, confirms. Seven times off my chair and we knew what came out of that. I came home. My wife says I was white. I was upset.
Speaker 3:
And now, at that time, because I realized I do nothing about women, which meant anything about my wife now my siblings who go back to my crazy family. I have four. They’re all divorced and separated two and three times. Of course, I have my family, I have my beautiful wife, I have two little kids at a time. Right, my life, I live in paradise. I live the life. But then realize, if I know nothing about my wife, the way she takes things personally, what she makes out of something that she’s not asking me to confirm, right, like that liability to me was insane, like it was not going to be a statistic because I didn’t know right. So that’s how it started.
Speaker 3:
This is when I dove in and took all that with all the workshop they had to offer that company. Plus, I became a workshop leader for them on track. I was going to teach this stuff um too much politics. I ended up moving on, but then I worked with. You know, I studied with john gray marston, venus esther perel, the therapist for new york city, who’s all about intimacy, love and why people cheat and why people don’t cheat. The psychology of love, dynamic, fantastic work, right. Uh um shanti felhan in the south, who teaches uh love and respect, because we both want love and respect. They approach it.
Speaker 2:
The men want respect, the women want love. And that’s why we clash, because we don’t know how to do it. We don’t know how to give it.
Speaker 3:
It’s a completely opposite operating system so we don’t even understand. We want both. They show up backwards. I don’t want to explain. And then the cherry on the sunday for my training was dr pat allen, here, los angeles, 46 years of his family, child, um, marriage therapist, and I sat in the room with her, with three or four of the people. It was private training in her office for three and a half years and I decoded everything relationship, men and women, so and it kind of connected everything together from all these other masters.
Speaker 3:
So 2009, 18 years ago, officially started doing this work. And that’s how it happened. It was circumstantial, it was seemingly random and it was not at all. So my wife says I’m not going doing God’s work. I would never say that myself, but I like it because I really help people attain the relationship that they want. In this crazy time where everyone’s confused, everyone’s struggling, nobody knows there’s no normal any longer. What’s out there right now is you know what’s normal is stupid, and everything is stupid is a new normal well, and we’re also dealing with a society that wants instant gratification, and there’s no such thing.
Speaker 2:
In marriage, in relationships, you’ve got to heal your baggage and to do that you’ve got to face your biggest fears, and that’s not popular they want. I want to press a button. I want to lose weight. Today I’m going to inject myself with these. I’m going to want the fast result, the shortcut.
Speaker 2:
The shortcut, but they’re not willing to like face the fire and I mean I run into it in my coaching practice day in and day out. They want the quick fix. I’m like like you didn’t get to this stage in your life going through shortcuts. You took the long road here and you have layers on top of you that we together need to be able to remove so that you can see your path forward. You can’t see it. So right now you need to take a step in faith and trust that god is going to lead you out of this. But you’ve got to roll up your sleeves and actually get out of the mess to put yourself in. You know, and sometimes it wasn’t your fault like some of these wounds were not your fault but you’re an adult now and it’s now your responsibility to heal the wound so that it doesn’t cause and you don’t project it out onto your generations.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, kids and their kids and who follows you know.
Speaker 3:
It became generational stuff and people don’t understand that. People, I say this all the time you’re not responsible for what happened to you as a child. As an adult, you’re completely responsible to fix yourself because, if you know the life, you were born to be miserable. You weren’t born to be lonely. You weren’t born to be unhappy, right? So how do you get through?
Speaker 2:
this is to do the work, and, and you know, only the brave will do it you mentioned something in the first part, like that first workshop, the first pivot of your life, that you got out of your chair seven times. Tell us why, like what was it that really shocked you that you just rose out of your?
Speaker 3:
chair, there was a few, but the way you process information and feelings, primarily first, the way you’re constantly aware of your lack of safety, physical safety in the world, we don’t have any of that, you know. I mean, I remember in the workshop at one point she said watch this gentleman, please don’t get upset. You have no, no way of knowing this right, there’s 400 people in the space and 300 women. By the way, it was mostly women, um, real interesting, but they, they was planted for that purpose of being there for us men and kind of confirmed. But she’s like watch this, gentlemen, ladies, you know, raise your hand if you’ve been aware of your physical safety. In the past month, all the hands went up and we’re like what? And she goes. The past two weeks, most hands went up again Right. And the past, you know, three days, yeah, right. How many of you have you been aware of your physical safety? Getting here today, another like. So we don’t know that. We don’t have ever feeling enough feeling safe. We don’t run to the car at night, we’re not afraid of parking lots, elevators, you know none of that stuff, but but you are, you’re never without it. So to me that was like, oh my God, the torturous way, and I could see how I actually participated in scaring women, not understanding that. So that’s a huge one.
Speaker 3:
The other one is why you take everything personally. You take everything freaking personally. We don’t know why, and we always say shit like it’s not what I said, it’s not what I meant, that’s not what I did. How did you freaking get there? Right, we get really frustrated with you because you make a meeting on some shit that you didn’t ask explanation for, right. So, but there’s a good reason for that. Anthropologically, there’s a survival mechanism in that, but you don’t even know you’re doing it or you don’t understand why you’re doing it. You just are doing it. But I understand the mechanism now and so okay, so they’re not crazy, they’re just women, I mean.
Speaker 3:
And then so, like seven of those moments, you know processing and feminine, no, I never. We know women are sensitive, right, but to actually understand that we function from our brain, to be masculine is to be organized, ordered, you know, and logical. The feminine drives with feelings and emotions and you know, tone the voice. So filtering everything through your feelings explains everything and we constantly go why do you let that bother you? We logically approach you with that shouldn’t bother you. Why don’t you just let it go? Because that’s how we do it, because we’re able to compartmentalize anything and continue working as a survival mechanism for us too. Like my dad just died, I feel terrible, but I have to feed my family. So put that away and I go to work. Right, women will experience us, like you know. We’ve been together six years. We just broke up and look he’s out there having fun with his friends playing ball. Right, he forgot all about me. No, honey, no, no. He put it in the box.
Speaker 2:
He has to continue living and make a living and work, or the joke that we never get Like honey, what are you thinking about? Nothing, nothing, nothing comes from the guy and you’re like how can you not be thinking? We have like a thousand tabs open. Everything is bothering us, Like the damn socks on the floor that’s bothering us Like aren’t the socks screaming at you to be picked up? And it’s like no, because you can shut it off because you have single focus. We don’t. Biologically, we’re screwed.
Speaker 3:
No, I know, but the yin-yang of my strengths and your strengths as a woman. Right, they’re completely different, but we put them together. That’s what we’re talking about. So it’s not about trying to change the other. We should all try to do right. We want you to be more like us. You want us to be more like you. Talk sweet, connecting we impossible? It never happened. So, instead of trying to change each other or fix each other, or trying to make the other one act right because that’s what we do women trying to make their husband or boyfriend act right, you know what I mean? It’s not how it works. It’s a shit show in the making. And so the idea is like understand, he’s logically driven, he’s gonna, he’s gonna set up order and structure for his life and yours together. Your job is to get in, get in sync with that and support him in that, and, on the other side, he’ll support you, provide, protect, cherish, give love you Yep. But it’s not about the same. We’re not the same. We’re completely freaking different.
Speaker 2:
Yeah.
Speaker 3:
When you accept that and learn to dance with that. So what I teach ladies I says I have the owner’s manual for men. You don’t understand these creatures called male Great should call mail great. Come in there, I’ll teach you about men, because these things that we do, the way we operate, what motivates us, how we process information, ideas, feelings men have a lot of deep, deep feelings but we look cold and detached to you because we’re not spilling through right. We don’t live through our feelings, we live through our brains and when you understand really the operating system of a male and our male instinct.
Speaker 3:
Get this. About 50 of everything you think personally about us disappears. It’s taking, frustrated and angry. And how come? Why do they always like no, no, no, you go. Oh, he’s just a man, he’s a warrior, he’s, he’s a hunter, he’s, he’s protecting me right now. He’s not controlling me, protecting me, right, and I said the same with the man.
Speaker 3:
When you understand a woman’s operating system, because we don’t understand what you say, I need so very little, why can’t I get what I want? Right, like we don’t know what that means. Like what the hell does that mean? Because we quantify everything. If it’s not big enough, if there’s no big effort, there’s no big results. That means nothing, right? So like we don’t understand him. So what does that mean? And how do you bring out the best of your out of your woman? Naturally, right, like her, her, her to bring out to, to understand her instinct and her need for connection and safety. That is through the roof that we don’t have. But when you understand, like me, like you go, oh, my god, okay. So let’s be aware of this and let’s not scare the hell out of her and let’s be a little more connecting. Bring the best out of her, brings the best out of me. But again, it’s trying we.
Speaker 2:
It’s not about changing each other right at all it’s about becoming one with the strength and the skills that that we each have. And you know, it’s interesting that we’re talking about this subject matter. I always find god has a really interesting sense of humor and the people that he sends me to interview, because just this morning I started a plan on the bible app, uh, on james, the, the book of james, and he talks a lot about relationships, that one ephesians and first peter. There’s a lot of um guidance for women on how to be the helper and how to be, um, not a quarrelsome wife, you know, because we want connection and intimacy and all these things.
Speaker 2:
So, and it was interesting because, as I was reading it, a thought came to my mind. It was I know it’s the holy spirit and he’s like. This is why I put you and your husband together. Your faith is very, very strong and you’re very feelings based on your faith, right. He’s very self-reliant. He’s based on logic and deeds and action, right. So now, together, faith without deeds is not faith at all, right, and deeds without faith doesn’t matter. But faith and deeds together, now that is the, the ticket right to heaven, heaven. And so I just it was like ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
Speaker 3:
And the point is, you know we need each other for that. We need to as men, because we’re stuck in our heads all the freaking time. I know you’re stuck in your head in a different way. It’s because your feelings kind of ruminate and kind of try to make sense. We don’t. We’re always in our heads for planning, plotting linear life. How do we survive? How do we do this right? So often we feel disconnected from you because we’re in our heads. We’re not in our bodies, we’re not heads, right, you’re in your body.
Speaker 3:
If you’re feminine, you’re in your head, like us if you’re masculine, because everybody’s raising masculine and we do. This is why the first disconnect is when men encounter masculine women, we don’t care, we don’t care. When I want to say hi to you, we don’t say hello, we don’t acknowledge you like a piece of ice. The feminine form that pulls us in to be gentleman, gentlemanly and just be able to even acknowledge your presence disappears. Not because we’re jerk, is because you’re matching my energy, which you know we have get. This.
Speaker 3:
Masculinity has no, no need or instinct to help other masculine. So men don’t have any need to help other men in life type of thing. I get my shit together, you get your shit together. I can help you if you want to ask me, but I don’t have an instinct to fix you or protect you or help you. I’m doing my own. But for the woman I want to provide protection yeah, kind of thing. But for the woman, right, I want to provide, protect and cherish and give. That’s the juice. But a woman needs to be feminine for us for the mechanism to kick in. That’s called nature. It’s not my opinion, it’s the data and the work. So when women are on their masculine, they disappear and they feel abandoned and lonely. And I don’t understand. I’m young, I have a business, I have a car. I know who cares, because a masculine man will have that. So this is really where the wheels come off in my work is we raise every woman to be masculine Men are toxic.
Speaker 3:
You can’t trust them. They’ll cheat on you, blah, blah. Okay, so make half the planet the enemy. Congratulations, that’s really going to help. Yeah, so again, with the calibration is understanding the true nature of man, knowing how to bring the best out of him. You want a gentleman, you want to provide a protector. You want a guy who’s going to support you right, financially, emotionally because we do all this, naturally. But you can’t fight me. You can’t put your finger in my face and say I’m sick of this. You need to be more like.
Speaker 2:
X, y or Z, yeah, whatever, whatever idea you have in your head, you know it’s, it’s interesting. Um, I mean came well, and I follow instagram reels from time to time.
Speaker 2:
It’s one of my vices, I should admit that you know I also was giving this talk and it was so key to how different we are, right? So he’s having a barbecue with one of his buddy friends, right? And the guy asked him where he bought the meat from and he told him oh, costco, or whatever he goes. Oh, it’s great. And that was the end of the conversation.
Speaker 2:
The next week he’s making burgers for his wife, or the wife is making burgers for him, or something like that. And then he asked the wife hey, where did you buy the meat from? Why? Why do you want to know that you could buy the meat from why? Why do you want to know that is something wrong with the meat? And the guy’s like, oh, my gosh, like why are you taking this so personal? And and it’s. And then he breaks it up, right? And he says you know, the women personalize everything because they filter it through their feelings and they’re they’re the nurturers, right? We’re the ones that are taking care of our children and our husbands and we’re the helpers. And so if something’s wrong, we need to know about it so we can fix it but it’s also.
Speaker 3:
It’s actually worse than that, because that’s one layer of it. But I will tell you, for me it’s because you don’t speak the way we speak and you don’t hear the way we hear. Yeah, and I played my woman it’s not what she’s hearing. You guys filter everything through tones of voice and volume and you know like. So, when a man talks to a woman, your brain goes what’s he trying to tell me? And we say, like, listen to the words that I’m saying, but that’s not what you’re listening for. You’re listening for tone.
Speaker 2:
What’s the meaning of the… the intention, the motivation behind what he’s saying?
Speaker 3:
yes, we communicate directly, you communicate with hints and you windows around the corner Right, and so I say to you exactly the words with manner, direct, right, and so we have two different filters, and that’s the biggest thing. Like I’m asking a question, you know what I mean. Like one of my buddies, at the beginning of my, my work, he goes explain to me why they take everything personally. You know, I’ll give you an example. All right, I go, he goes. I like gum, I chew gum all the time. I like chewing gum. I always have gum on me. I’m the gum guy. Right, I go. Okay, so he goes.
Speaker 3:
Why is it that when I pull out a stick of gum for myself and I asked one of my friends, male, do you want some gum? They look at me and go yes or no. Right, every time I offer one, a piece of gum, she’s like what’s the problem? What’s wrong? That bad breath? What do you mean, are you trying to tell me? And he’s like what, the, what, the?
Speaker 3:
I’m being polite, right, but again, ladies, because everything you say is actually a in any window, a double meaning. What you say is not what you mean. So you always hint and drop hints and da, da, da, and you think you’re communicating because every one of you understand exactly that communication. The rest of us are like what? So, again, not understanding that we’re completely. We communicate.
Speaker 3:
It’s crazy because we look at each other speak English. You hear the words that come out of my mouth. This is what I’m saying. You’re not hearing other speak English. You hear the words that come out of my mouth. This is what I’m saying. You’re not hearing and what you’re saying I. You’re trying to figure out again, what’s he trying to tell me. Then the other one is what’s that got to do with me? If I’m talking to you about golf and you don’t like golf, you can look at me like, why is he talking? And you’re not not interested at all. Right, I’m trying to share something I’m passionate about, right? So this is how you ladies approach me. What’s he trying to tell me with? So I have to decode this. Always make a mistake, by the way.
Speaker 2:
You always get it wrong, always, always, always get it wrong because my husband tells me that all the time it’s like stop trying to finish my sentences you don’t even know what I’m about to say.
Speaker 3:
Sorry but again you’re jumping to anyway. So and then you know what’s that got to do with me? It’s pretty. We call that center in the universe syndrome, like you think it has to be about you, otherwise you’re just bothering me with those words, right, like well, you want me to talk, I’m talking, but oh no, you know that has nothing to do with you. So that’s not kind of shitty, but that’s sort of like when I understand that, you understand that like. So on the other side, when you talk to a man, right, when you talk to a man, he’s thinking what’s the point and what do you?
Speaker 3:
need me to fix right and what do you need me? To fix no, what’s the point is why are you talking like there’s got to be a point? Because when I’m talking, there’s always a point. I’m exchanging information with data. You need to know this is important. When are you going to be having this done? Right, this data is important. So when you talk to us, we think there’s a point, because that’s the point of talking, and you know you talk like spaghetti, right?
Speaker 1:
And we’re like what’s the?
Speaker 3:
point? What’s the point? What’s the point If you’re upset? What’s the problem? Right and for you? Often you just want to get it out. You didn’t want to fix it, but we’re neurotic. Now you get frustrated. You say, well, you try talking to your boss. You’re like what’s he talking about? What is he talking?
Speaker 2:
about. We want connection and so because we want to talk to y’all and my husband will tell me and the first thing he does that really aggravates me is he puts his hands up when he’s overwhelmed. And to does that really aggravates me is he puts his hands up when when he’s when he’s overwhelmed, and to me that’s very dismissive. So right away I’m like every explicit term is like in my head cussing him out because I’m like what the hell, dude like? Why do you have to dismiss me like that? You?
Speaker 3:
know, because I’m in the middle of something. Probably in his head he’s processing something, he’s about to do something, he’s got a plan for something and now you’re stepping on his plan. He’s going to go like this no, not now not now. You’re overwhelming me right, take a moment and come at me later. Ask me later when I have space for this and I will you know what I find interesting here.
Speaker 2:
I’m gonna just spill it out. There’s times that I’m sitting in my computer and I’m working and he walks up behind me and he starts talking to me like I’m not doing anything. It’s like really like you’re the one that tells me to not bother you when you’re programming and doing everything. You think that writing books is easy, that I’m not in my train of thought and like trying to get words on. You know what I mean. Yeah, so why is it that men that get aggravated? You know, when we do that to them, they have to think that we can also get into our zone good and we’ll get this all day long.
Speaker 3:
But, yes, so what happens is we’re single focus, right? If you interrupt me doing whatever what I’m, if I’m talking, interrupt me, disrespectful. If I’m writing something on my computer, you interrupt me, I lose my train of thought. Disrespectful, right? So the interruption for us is like a break through the face. It’ll piss us off every time. My wife knows this so well. Are you ready? She’ll call me on the phone. She calls me on the phone. The first thing she says are you ready? I’m sorry for interrupting, that’s respect, because she knows whatever I’m doing, even if I’m just sitting doing nothing, I’m actually doing something because of my body’s recovery. She understands the male mechanism. So I’m sorry for interrupting and that’s respect. Oh, that’s okay. What’s up as opposed to what. What Now, what? I’m in the middle of something right.
Speaker 3:
So for us, a single focus is interrupting a man’s whatever thinking processing. He’s working on the car. It’s no time to go after him in the garage because he’s strapped. They talk about a relationship, right? No, so on the other side, when we have something to share with you, there’s always a sense of urgency. You need to know this now, because I’m going to forget this other shit going on in my head all the time. So we’ll go oh, damn it. So, regardless of this now, because I’m going to forget this other shit going on in my head all the time.
Speaker 2:
So we’ll go.
Speaker 3:
Oh damn it. So, regardless what you’re doing, you need to do this now.
Speaker 2:
So we kind of run you over, which is not cool.
Speaker 3:
No, it’s not and it’s just, and it’s like not loving. That’s the mechanism, but in our minds it’s actually loving, because I need, you need to do this, I’m trying to protect you. You need this information, I need this data. Do I mean this data? Do you know what I mean? I know, I know, but understanding that, right, so get this. So my wife now knows, right, if I’m here on the computer, right, she’ll send me the door.
Speaker 3:
She used to just show up and start talking and I’m like then, I would have to ignore her because I’m finishing a sentence or whatever, or a thought, a sentence or whatever or thought. I should get mad right and I go you can’t do this, I’d like you, like, the can’t interrupt me, I’m in the middle of fucking brilliance. That’s him right, and so she understands that very well now. So what she’ll do? She’ll stand there. I see her my careful, even. I’m doing this. I know she’s there, so I’m aware, but now I’m finishing, so she doesn’t say anything Finishing the sentence, right, poof, what’s up? Well, I was wondering if we could blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Speaker 3:
That’s the respectful way to do it, right, like to understand the interruption because you’re going to get, otherwise you’re going to get a what, what, what? Now, who?
Speaker 2:
I started texting my husband just that way. If, when he has a chance to look at his phone, he could look at it now if it’s urgent, then I’ll put like, I’ll call him, I’ll be like, hey, I just can’t wait. I have, I’m waiting on you and um, but yeah, I mean, we’re, we were the gatherers. Right, you guys were the hunters, we were the gatherers, so we had to know the details of absolutely everything. And that’s why we share so much detail, because and that’s why you guys get frustrated with us- we don’t need the details like it’s.
Speaker 3:
Like.
Speaker 2:
I just get to the point, but it’s so I remember reading a book the queen’s code and the keys to the kingdom by allison armstrong I believe that’s her name, and she she gives these workshops in Los Angeles, so I’m wondering if that was the workshop you went to.
Speaker 3:
That was the workshop that I was in, okay.
Speaker 2:
And I. Actually. She has an Audible book where you guys are in the background talking. It’s that whole conference. But I loved it because she stated if the women in your life stop giving you the report, the medical report, be very scared. She has started to tune out of the relationship because she doesn’t get what she needs from you.
Speaker 3:
She doesn’t feel connected.
Speaker 2:
She doesn’t feel connected, makes you feel unsafe.
Speaker 3:
And now you’re the jerk.
Speaker 2:
Who’s not why me, but this guy who doesn’t care because, because he wants me to speak to him and to listen to him the way he listens to me, right, and that’s the disconnect with my husband I’m like you have to understand.
Speaker 2:
I’m never going to listen. Biologically, I’m like I’m very different than you and I and I told him I was. If you were to read these books and really understand how different we are, you would understand that, no matter how many times you tell me to be like you, I’m never going to be like you and that’s okay. You don’t want me to be like you and God doesn’t want me to be like you. That’s why he put us together, because I have one piece of the puzzle that you need and you have the other piece of the damn puzzle I need, right, you understand?
Speaker 3:
Yeah, I know I get it. But, however, my work is actually teach men and women to communicate in the way they understand each other, as opposed to you doing your way and me doing my way and getting frustrated. Right, there’s a way to approach a man respectfully, and I call it learning to speak manglish. So, instead of being disrespectful, frustrating, put your finger on his face and go. This needs to change. You know what I mean. That doesn’t work. You can’t nag a man into acting right, you can’t push, you can’t demand, you can’t command. That’s all mothering, and you’re going to get less of anything. You’re asking Not because we’re jokes, because we’re men, so understanding how to approach him. So he will adjust one thing, naturally wanting to adjust his behavior. Adjust something for your comfort, because we want you to be comfortable. We want you to be happy, because when you’re good, I’m good. When you’re happy, I’m happy. When you feel good, you bring me peace. That’s all we freaking want right.
Speaker 1:
Well, you want peace too, dude, I know, but we don’t speak the same.
Speaker 3:
You have to learn. Learn this shit.
Speaker 2:
If you don’t know it, so teach me how to speak to my husband. He’s insisting on me listening to him in the way he needs to be heard.
Speaker 3:
The same way, the same way that he wants to listen to him, because he’s sharing something that’s important, and either you need to know this or it’s important for us to know this. So you do this for the future. If I die, you need to know this Right. So it’s not casual, so you need to be focused. I’m talking to you, but you know you guys could do eight things at the same time. We kind of understand that. So if you’re not looking at me, so that’s the mechanism, right?
Speaker 2:
Okay, so look at him while he speaks. What else? What are the tips?
Speaker 3:
Just stay there, let him talk, don’t interrupt, don’t ask questions, right, don’t agree with him. It’s another one you don’t understand, right, the guy’s in the middle of sharing something. You go, oh yeah, the feminine needs to connect, so you jump in trying to be part of. That’s the instinct I get it, but that’s also what’s frustrating. So, again, there’s ways of understanding what works on both sides and what doesn’t work on both sides. But in the end, the system is simple. We’re going to be logical and orderly and linear and planning and plotting You’re going to be feeling centered and linear and planning and plotting you’re going to be feeling centered.
Speaker 3:
So when we do something and again I’m going to say this as much as the way we hurt your feelings all the time because we don’t understand that you drive everything through your feelings and you make a meaning about what something I did or something I didn’t do. I can hurt your feelings by doing nothing. Explain that to me. I didn’t do. I can hurt your feelings by doing nothing. Explain that to me. Like we don’t freaking, like right, I can hurt your feelings by saying something or not saying something. I can hurt your feelings by doing something or not doing something. That’s insane for us but again, for you. There’s always a meaning. What’s you know? How’s that going to do with me? And see, if he loved me, he would be blah, blah, blah Right. Blah, blah, blah, right. So that’s, that’s the one thing. You would know that I want him to take out the damn trash. Like why can’t you just freaking see that? You know what the hell? You know he’s not focused on that. He won’t even see it. You can single focus as is you know, dismiss everything that we’re not focused on. If I’m fixing the car, I don’t see the trash do that until it starts smelling anyway.
Speaker 3:
So what I’m saying is we constantly hurt your feelings. We have no idea why and how and why. You take everything personally. That’s not what I said. That’s not what I meant. On the other side, are you ready? This is the part that you ladies are completely blind to. You constantly, constantly disrespect us and you have no idea you’re doing it and this is a shit show that I’m talking about right, not understanding respect on a man as primary right, and but you, but you don’t get it because the same way that we like that shouldn’t hurt your feelings. That’s not what I said. I didn’t do anything. But now you, now you right this. On the other side, the things that disrespect us don’t make sense to you. That would be disrespected. It doesn’t record’s disrespectful to you. I’m just trying to help, I’m just telling you, you know. So that’s really the disconnect, right? We’re communicating typically. We’re operating differently. If so, thank you. So get this a man, and there’s a survey on this. Shanti felhan, you know I know interviewed 10 000 men and she’s.
Speaker 3:
The question was to men and husband if you had the choice, we both want to be cherished and respected. Right, both men and women want to be loved and respected Beautiful. The question to man was if you had the choice from your girlfriend or your wife to either be loved or respected, which one would you go without? And the numbers was 83% of men said respect, I would go without love.
Speaker 2:
She came to our church to speak. By the way, I bought her books, both books. And then the book about the power couples, like the marriage couples. I can’t remember the title of it, but she’s phenomenal.
Speaker 3:
That’s what I’m saying she’s one of my teachers, one of the masters I work with, so we get this. So if you don’t respect a man, he can’t love you.
Speaker 3:
Yeah, if you don’t cherish a woman, she can’t respect you. So we need both. But for, primarily, a man, you have to respect your man first for him to cherish you, because when you respect him, he feels love, and when he loves you, you feel respected. So these are completely two different machines that operate completely different for each of us, and we use the same words, but we’re not talking about the same things. So you see the challenge here. So this is my work, this is what I do for everybody decoding all this so you have successful communications. Because if you don’t understand, if you don’t know how to negotiate your wants and needs with each other, right, it’s a shit show.
Speaker 2:
It’s a crazy damn cycle. You get stuck in and it’s never ending it never ends.
Speaker 3:
It’s so exhausting Because you’re not communicating the way that he hears, and vice versa. So this can be learned very easily when you understand how it works.
Speaker 2:
It takes a moment of practice, but I know there’s a lot of biblical concepts that are being taught by some of these masters that are in the Bible themselves. If you just go based on that like if you’re a Christian based like me, I’m starting to follow this. Like I said, I go on instagram a lot. Marriage ignite is another couple that I’ve been following because they talk a lot about the woman respecting the man not dishonoring him, not disrespecting him, uh, but actually respecting them and the way they need to be respected right.
Speaker 3:
What does that mean? This is the part you don’t understand, because the stuff that disrespects us would not disrespect you and you’ll go.
Speaker 2:
What, yeah, like we interrupt, right we interrupt. And especially espérame. You know, like when you’re Mexican, like me, Hispanics, they interrupt each other all the freaking time. That’s what I saw in my house. What was I supposed to know that that was disrespectful, you know, I didn’t know any different. I’m a quack too, you know.
Speaker 3:
But you know, smart people understand at one point that there’s something that’s missing and they go and research and study right, that’s what I’m saying Like you could be stuck in being right about this and you should be more like this. You should be more like that, you should be more like my girlfriend. You should be my. No, that’s ridiculous. It’s never going to happen. It’s going to cause you frustration, right? How do you get him to adjust for you? Ah, that’s the freaking magic. There’s respectful language to that yeah, so you know and and you’re, you’re just.
Speaker 3:
You know interrupting mechanism is because you’re a girl and girls, when you see women talk together, they talk on top of each other. They completely run each other over. They like it’s ridiculous to watch as men and there’s no point and we’re like they’re still talking. They keep this. I remember like years ago when I first moved to los angeles, I was driving a limousine and I picked up these two ladies on a five-hour drive on a Friday afternoon. It was terrible traffic. Five-hour drive, my foot on the brake the whole time. All I did was release the brake and push the brake. Five hours going to Newport Beach and they didn’t know each other In the back of my limousine. We’re going to a convention where their husbands are already, so we’re just taking them for the dinner, dinner event that evening, but they don’t know each other. This is before. I knew all this right.
Speaker 3:
So I’m sitting in the car and for five hours these women never stop talking, never for one second. There was no pause and never ended. And I’m sitting like this and I’m again. I’m just sitting in my car with my foot on the brake thinking what the what, like it’s, it’s. It wore me out to listen to all that stuff. It wore me out. But they don’t know each other so of course they have to keep talking to feel connected and feel okay, feel safe. And I’m in the car with this chick, I don’t know. So it was like there was a frenzy to it. It was. It was crazy, but that’s how you ladies operate. You get just as long as you’re talking, you’re connecting and you feel good with a person. Because if a person gives you a one-word answer, right as a woman, woman to woman, if a girl says you know, one-word answer, you’re like uh-oh, something’s wrong. She’s mad at me, right? So guess what?
Speaker 2:
happens, something’s wrong, something’s wrong and that’s the alert Right. It’s awesome.
Speaker 3:
And so what you know and because you constantly interrupt us we learned this in childhood, by the way, with our mothers, you know, in school. Whatever is that we then learn? This is most men that you know. You ask a question, I can never finish the answer because you interrupt me. So you know, we think when you talk or ask a question, it’s important, but you keep interrupting us.
Speaker 3:
So now we learned that you don’t want to hear it, because if you want to hear it, you stop talking and stop interrupting. So we now learn to give you the one word answer because you don’t want to hear it, which makes you feel like we don’t care, we don’t connect, we don’t love you, because that’s what would happen if a girl doesn’t give you one word, and so you’re in trouble. So you get your feelings hurt for something that we do, that we learn to do because we don’t want to be disrespected, and so we stop talking and I always say, ladies, it’s, you know, like this is part of the mechanism of, you know, being a woman. You, you need to be jumping in because it’s got to be something that’s got to do with you, and you can show up and you drop, and you, you show up and we learn to stop talking.
Speaker 2:
I’m so grateful you came on this show especially today of all days, because I had been trained by one of Tony Robinson’s trainers long ago in 2018. Neurolinguistic programming was something that we got taught because Tony is very well known for that.
Speaker 3:
It’s fantastic work.
Speaker 2:
It really is very good work.
Speaker 3:
I think, tools.
Speaker 2:
And the tools that you learn, like how patterns of behavior show up and how they want to be acknowledged, and the girl I’m about to interview, after your interview, is going to be talking about those identities. And it was interesting because god has been. I’ve been praying and praying about my, my marriage. He had put in my heart to submit to my husband and I, coming from a mexican background, was like you. You threw cold water across my face. I didn’t understand that.
Speaker 2:
The the concept of submission, the way it comes across in the Bible, and it’s a very beautiful concept when you understand it. When you understand it through the lens that you grew up with. That’s where it becomes a problem, because you see different things and your mind is tiny and you don’t understand what’s going on. You don’t have the development of your brain to understand, and so it just bridges the gap based on your limited knowledge. I always saw my father father, my very demanding father kind of get his way, my mother being submissive, and I swore I was never going to be that woman.
Speaker 2:
So when god put it in my heart to be submitted submit to him first in 2018 it was really hard for me because I didn’t understand the concept. Now I’m looking at it from a very different lens because I realized that my masculine energy was showing up, in conflict with my husband and he was getting triggered. It was horrible. It was a horrible, passionate exchange and when I read this girl’s book, which is titled Pain is a Portal to Beauty I highly recommend it by Alexis Lee and she was talking about how she could validate herself as her teenage self was showing up, or her 11-year-old self, the girl that lost her mom.
Speaker 3:
Inner child.
Speaker 2:
Her inner child. And when I realized that I sat with my teenage self all last week and I comforted her and I told her it’s okay, you’re safe now, you don’t have a bully, your husband’s not your bully, you don’t need to fight him, he’s here to love you and protect you, I had to talk her down from that, I had to talk myself down from that ledge so that my bullied teenage self wouldn’t come out. That was my masculine self coming out. And so it’s an interesting thing because I had been taught all this years ago. I had forgotten it, and when I started to interview people on my podcast, it was like god saying you I already taught you this little girl, come on, like, pick up on this, like.
Speaker 2:
I don’t want you to have this horrible marriage and you know this conflict in your marriage. There’s no need for this, you know. So, please, please, listen to me. Like listen, you’re hurting your husband in ways that you don’t even know. You’re hurting him and it’s it’s driving a wedge.
Speaker 2:
So I started to pull back and when I started to feel that trigger, I would just stay curious to the trigger. Now it’s like, okay, why am I triggered, like where’s this coming from? And I realized that my seven-year-old anxious self that encountered trauma with my father was showing up to people, please, and to pursue my husband, which he did not want to be pursued when he was flooded. You know it’s the wrong thing to do. And so I had to tell her you’re safe right now. He’s not going to abandon you, he’s not. He just needs time. You need to give him time. Step away from him. And and I just started to kind of step away from the conflict and when he wanted to engage, I was just like there’s no argument for me right, he’s ready, he’s able, he’s willing, he’s present, as opposed to trying to use kind of lean on him never yeah, it just never does right so my clients they work with.
Speaker 3:
Last year’s 26 year marriage, three kids and completely, she had an overwhelming father who, like, said you know, forget your feelings, it’s not important, get over it, then it’s your fault anyway. So right, dismissed, so she’s not allowed to feel her feelings as a woman is the worst thing in the world, and her mother was similar. So she ends up marrying a husband, a man like her father. That’s what we all do. Do you know what I mean? And uh, her thing is, you know, feeling safe, feeling connected, and he had his own trigger with his mother. So the moment she leaned into him in any way, he would go not your place and block her for three days. They would talk for three days at a time oh, stonewalling, that’s always wonderful, but again, that’s not manly.
Speaker 3:
But but his mother made him a little bit soft and so his reaction was the moment. You’re trying to lean on me trying to correct me, trying to make me act right. He would shut down completely so he would train. Basically, his wife was paying his mommy bill. We called it right. So whatever she did to him he would not. But it was over the top, it was harsh.
Speaker 3:
You know what I mean anyways she comes to me with you know I can’t do this anymore and you know I’ve never had anybody respect my feelings, whatever. All that jazz and uh taught her the dynamic of man, understanding, respect her own operating system. That she was just into without really understanding why. How many times that I say to her there’s nothing wrong with you, a normal woman. It’s normal right to be like this, to be need the connection, to feel unsafe. It’s normal to interrupt if you don’t notice, if you don’t, if you don’t know, don’t know better kind of thing. But my favorite thing is you know she was trying to control everything because she never felt safe with her father. She’s trying to control this man. That’s how he got so.
Speaker 3:
And my favorite thing, this is like a year later, when everything came in place on her understanding, this whole thing says to me you know, we went on a 3d camping trip with the kids and she goes usually I would be all over like did you think of this? Did you bring that? Is this happening? Is this, you know? Do you have enough gas? Would you have the cooler? Do we have ice?
Speaker 3:
Like this madness of like details the ladies are so into because, again, it’s cavewoman, I get it. But she’s like I decided to completely relinquish control to him, right, completely control. And so she said I did nothing, I didn’t try to. You know, ask him if he thought of this. And I said I, she goes, I completely let go and she goes. You know what?
Speaker 3:
It was one of the best weekends of my life with him because he took care of everything and I didn’t have to take care of anything. I didn’t have to worry about it, I let go of trying to control anything about that. That I’ve learned as a kid to. I don’t feel safe, so I have to manage it and she goes. It was the best weekend of my life, like I literally could enjoy myself and not be worried about this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, you know, the whole time and she was thinking it was a beautiful lesson and again she’s happier in that role of supporting him and letting him, as opposed to trying to question him.
Speaker 3:
Question him, question him. Did you think of right? This is torturous, but the fact is, if you let him do it, he just he’ll do it like he. He knows how to do so that was to me like an amazing thing. And her son came on because, because I actually now working with one of their sons and he says I have to tell you this, you saved my parents’ marriage because this, this was not going to end well. And again, after 26 years, she’s about to. But just decoding this whole thing.
Speaker 2:
Yeah.
Speaker 3:
With a man with his own injury, it was a magical thing. And yeah, with a man with his own injury, it was a magical thing. And so that’s the work. Right, you have to do the work, otherwise you’re going to find yourself in a spin and keep attracting the same people, the same results, the same shit show, and you’ll blame the other person for it. No, it’s you, it’s you. You’re the common denominator.
Speaker 2:
It’s always yeah, you’re the common denominator. So if people wanted to reach you, andre, how could they find you? Because they want to work with you.
Speaker 3:
Sure sure, and I also have two gifts for your listeners. Is that cool?
Speaker 2:
That’s cool.
Speaker 3:
You can find me at projectequinoxnet. That’s my website. That is a blog and all the social media is on there. I’m on social media under either Project Equinox or under my name, andre Parody, so you can contact me any which way?
Speaker 3:
just dm me you know you could text me, andre coaching one at gmail. But yeah, I have, because I told you earlier, I do a lot of podcasting, right? Three, about three a week. And, uh, I noticed that I used to have my own, uh, but it wasn’t spreading fast enough, so I decided to begin becoming a guest on others, right, to spread the message, spread the hope. There is a way to do this.
Speaker 3:
Ladies and gentlemen, healthy relationships are capable in this crazy times. You have to understand how the whole thing works, okay. That said, I notice there’s two type listeners on podcasts. There are people who are I call them, information seekers, right? People who just start poking around. Men and women is like what’s that masculine, feminine thing that people are talking about? Like what energy, what? So people were just kind of approaching the work or starting to be curious. So let the audience qualify themselves.
Speaker 3:
But if you’re an information seeker this is for the ladies email me directly my direct email, andre coaching, the number one at gmail, right, and in the subject box, just just just write irresistible book. This is the book. Are you ready? It’s the book of my work with men. It’s called the five feminine qualities high value men find absolutely irresistible. This is men talking ladies. If you understand, and and what we find irresistible, that’s nothing to do with your looks or your hair color or your boobs or your butt or the length of your legs. It’s the energy that you bring into you and magnetizes us towards you. So, information seeker, ladies, you know, irresistible book.
Speaker 3:
The other type listeners are people who like, okay, this guy got some stuff. I want to talk to all right action takers. I call them. If you’re an action taker, andre Coaching, one in the box, just write talk now. I’ll send you a link to my calendar. We’ll set up a time, like you and I are having now an hour conversation and we’ll talk about the pattern In 15 minutes. We get to childhood and pattern and understanding.
Speaker 3:
You’re just a product for your past. You’re not broken. You’re just a product for your past. You’re not broken. And if you want to learn this stuff, then I’ll tell you how to jump in. Small, medium, large. That’s an offer, um, it’s free. And, like I said, come and get it in this way. You don’t know that’s really dangerous for you know your relationship. We don’t know this way. You don’t know that, that that destroys everything as opposed to trying to. You know. So that’s what those opposed to try to you know. So that’s what those are my two gifts. Also, you know, if you think I’m full of crap, email me, ask me a question, tell me I’m full of crap, I’m not. I can back everything up. So, and if you want both gifts, ask for both.
Speaker 2:
That’s awesome. Well, on Released Out Revealed Purpose and for the listeners, remember Matthew 5.14 to always be the light. Have a beautiful week, stay safe and keep loving on your relationships. Stay safe, bye-bye.
Speaker 3:
Thank you.
Speaker 1:
So that’s it for today’s episode of Released Out Revealed Purpose. Head on over to iTunes or wherever you listen and subscribe to the show. One lucky listener every single week who posts a review on iTunes will win a chance in the grand prize drawing to win a $25,000 private VIP day with Sylvia Worsham herself. Be sure to head on over to sylviaworsham.com and pick up a free copy of Sylvia’s gift and join us on the next episode.