Larry Bilotta shares his transformative journey from living 27 years in a “marriage made in hell” to falling in love with his wife in the 28th year through the process of falling in love with himself first.
• Understanding how childhood shapes marriage and our adult relationships
• The Chaos to Purpose Scale that measures how our first 10 years impact our values
• Why opposites attract – purpose-raised people seek strength while chaos-raised people seek stability
• How “buckers” deny their subconscious programming and borrow values until they snap
• The care and feeding of a “chaos kid” requires understanding their special needs
• Creating two lists – the world of fear versus the world of love
• Moving from fear-based reactions to love-based responses
• Taking responsibility for your own transformation creates conditions for marriage healing
• Finding spiritual peace even in the most challenging relationship circumstances
Connect with Larry at LarryBilotta.com or YouCanSaveThisMarriage.com to learn more about his courses and get a condensed version of his book “This Is Not the Woman I Married.”
Transcript:
Speaker 1:
If you’ve ever struggled with fear, doubt or worry and wondering what your true purpose was all about, then this podcast is for you. In this show, your host, sylvia Worsham, will interview elite experts and ordinary people that have created extraordinary lives. So here’s your host, sylvia Worsham.
Speaker 2:
Hey, lightbringers, it’s Sylvia Worsham. Welcome to Released Out Revealed Purpose. And today is Larry Bilotta, author of. This Is Not the Woman I Married, and Larry and I met on Podmatch. So for those that don’t know what Podmatch is, it’s basically matchcom, but with podcast guests and hosts, and so we ended landed with each other because we both talk about transformation, we talk about relationships. He’s an author, I’m an author, and so we we clicked right away, and when we had this conversation prior to this interview, I knew right away this this man’s definitely going to add an enormous amount of wisdom as it pertains to marriages. He has a very unique way of talking about the different roles that we play, and so, without further ado, larry, thank you so much for joining us.
Speaker 3:
Thanks, sylvia.
Speaker 3:
When people ask you to tell your story, I don’t struggle with that because I don’t want to talk about myself you don’t want to talk about yourself so my story, the essence of the story is I lived 27 years in a marriage I made in hell, but this is a 40-year marriage, not 27 years. It’s a 40-year marriage. My wife died 40 years later. So in the story I lived 27 years in a marriage made in hell, but in the 28th year I fell in love with my wife. So that’s the story that I tell, and the reason I tell that is because behind that story, I fell in love with my wife. So that’s the story that I tell, and the reason I tell that is because behind that story I fell in love with my wife is I really fell in love with myself. And the reason that this is really important is because the two of us, marcia and Larry, were opposites, and so she was raised in a home that was an angry home. I was raised in a home where the parents shut down. In other words, if they didn’t have something positive to say, they got upset and they’d say nothing. So that was their style. So I never grew up with a fight. I never saw a fight. So I was a really soft hearted man and I really didn’t see any fighting at all. And so who am I getting attracted to? I’m attracted to strength. So I was a really soft-hearted man and I really didn’t see any fighting at all. And so who do I get attracted to? I’m attracted to strength, and the reason I was attracted to strength is because my mother and father were both soft-hearted. I was soft-hearted, everything was soft. And so because everything’s so soft, I don’t have the ability to have any strength. But what I have in my 20s is I have a need for strength. So what I have in my 20s is I have a need for strength. So what I do, I end up attracting a very strong woman, very strong woman and very determined, very absolute, very sure of herself, regardless of what she thinks.
Speaker 3:
And so we now, at the beginning, we got married on a Tuesday and just started fighting. It was just no preparation, no gifts. She didn’t believe in showers or weddings or ceremonies of any kind, so it was the justice of the peace and then started fighting. And so that was. And when that happened just to give you the timeline they impeached Nixon that year, okay, and when I came out of that time, they elected the second Bush. So that’s what that was Impeached, nixon, elect the second Bush. So that timeline was very, very hard, because I didn’t know anything, I had no training, I had no knowledge, I had no teaching because my parents were really entertainers and as entertainers they were always performing for their audience, and so their family was not their audience, their kids were not their audience, and so they lived this public life and then this quiet private life where they just didn’t really fight. So I was not prepared for marrying into this family, because you know, when you marry a person, you don’t marry a person, you marry a family.
Speaker 2:
Oh yeah. You marry everything, along with the trauma that they incurred.
Speaker 3:
Yes, that’s right, that’s right, and so that’s what I did, and at the time I didn’t know it. So what I had to do is I had to decide, and I didn’t see this in the beginning, but looking back I see it. I needed to become a learner, I needed to be learning, and so this is like a hopeless situation a marriage of two people who have blue systems and the place where they match is stay married and miserable. That’s where they matched. She believed it, I believed it. We couldn’t escape. So there was no running away, there was just fighting, right. So so what this did is being in this private little hellish place. I had no relief. I had no place to go for friends or social community or or things to pick me up, and you know that I didn’t have that. What I had is her knee, and it was a very, very painful, painful, very, very lonely place. So what I would do is I would write on yellow pads. I would write everything out, you know, page after page after page, and what I was doing is I was processing what was happening. What did I believe? Why did I believe it? And it was really hard to be quietly writing and writing and writing to try to solve my problem.
Speaker 3:
So what needed to happen was I needed to find a way to change what I was feeling. I needed to change my emotions. So, early on, I discovered there’s a force coming from the outside and a force coming from the inside at the same time coming from the outside and a force coming from the inside at the same time. So, you know, in the what’s thousands of years of tradition of Eastern ideas, they talk about the ego, right, and what’s the Bible call the ego? What’s the name of the Bible calls the ego the flesh. And so I had this thing coming up inside and this angry woman coming from the outside. And from the inside and the outside, I was crushed, I was smashed between these two pressures, and that’s why I saw the two great big pressures, and so I started to identify what is this thing inside me that is this mad, that is this impatient, that is this angry, that is this frustrated, that is this fed up. That is all these things that I was discovering, right, and so that’s what I was actually learning about. I was learning about there’s something in me that is not me, and when I was learning that something in me is not me was giving me hope that, oh, maybe I can do something about this thing I’m finding in me, right? So I kept on seeing this angry woman, demanding, taunting, uh, pushing, pushing, shoving. She had no sensitivity, she had no kindness, she had no warmth. There was nothing there, right. Everything was just a severity of force.
Speaker 3:
And under the severity of force, in this very lonely spot, I was living 27 years like this, right, year after year after year, and what I was learning is I was living in fear of her, I was living in fear of her, and I was living in fear of this thing that was in me. I was living in fear of both the outer and the inner, and so I was discovering oh so I’m afraid of everything, out and in. I can’t live like this. I can’t keep going like this. But what I was learning as the years went on is that I had to take responsibility for everything. I had to take the ownership of every condition I was in, because I put myself there, I put myself in this place, and as I started to learn that I was placing myself in a place I didn’t want to be, I couldn’t find any peace, I couldn’t find any of the stuff that I wanted. So I wanted it from her. I wanted her to give me peace. I wanted her to give me kindness. I wanted her to give me kindness. I wanted her to give me, you know, understanding and warmth. I wanted a person outside to give me all these things I wanted inside. And year after year, a little bit at a time, less than a time, I kept on learning that the person outside can’t give you anything you want, right? That was my slow, painful lesson. That the person outside can’t give you anything you want, right? That was my slow, painful lesson. Like the person outside, the world outside can’t give you what you need inside, right? Because I was starting to learn, like, this is all not about a world of things. This is not about a world of stuff and dogs and cars and rocket ships. This is really a world of things. This is not about a world of stuff and dogs and cars and rocket ships. This is really a world of ideas. That’s all that’s here. It’s all ideas, right.
Speaker 3:
And because everything’s ideas, I had to decide what did I believe about these ideas? And so, as I’m looking at ideas, I’m starting to conclude oh so that idea is not helping me, that idea is hurting me. So, when we think about the example of an idea that’s hurting me, I had a need to be right. So, when she would do something because she insisted on being right and she would die to be right right Because she was strong enough to keep on insisting that she’s right, and so I was realizing that I need to be right too, oh, I need to be right. Right, that’s a need I had. I had a belief that if I was right, I would somehow be saved. If I was right, I could somehow be justified as being a good person. And so, as coming up from my parents, who were both entertainers, I really didn’t know ideas like what is right, or values or anything like that.
Speaker 3:
So I invented a scale, eventually from 10 to 0. And the scale call the chaos to purpose scale, and so chaos is down at zero and purpose is up at nine or ten. And so what? What brings you a ten, nine, eight? That’s the top of the scale. Well, ten, nine and eight brings you as parents who loved each other, parents who cared about each other and they cared about you, and that’s a 10, 9, or 8. Now you’re a 9 or an 8 if those parents fought. So if they had fights and disagreements, that would put you at a 9 or an 8. So if they fought a little, a 9. If they fought even more, an 8. Because you have to see that conflict now. So that’s the top of the scale. That’s called the purpose side of the scale.
Speaker 3:
And the reason you get that purpose side is because now you have a sense that, oh, I know what commitment looks like, I know what loyalty looks like, I know what confidence looks like, I know what service looks like, what humility looks like. I know what it looks like because I saw it in them. So if you saw them living it, you can have it because it’s in you, it’s in your subconscious already. But if you didn’t see that, if you’ve got the bottom of the scale now you saw a different set of values. Uh, you saw what selfishness looks like, you saw what lying looks like, what survival looks like, what gossip looks like, what defensive looks like. So what hate looks like, what violence looks like like, what hate looks like, what violence looks like. You saw those things and that’s what you now have.
Speaker 3:
And so now you’ve got this bottom-of-the-scale life in you, in your subconscious mind, which is always. This big vat is the subconscious, and the ideas are coming from the bottom up to the top, which is a little jar. The little jar is the conscious mind. So that’s where your personality is, and so these ideas come up in here, and now you have to decide what you’re going to do with them. Are you going to say no? Are you going to let it go Right? What are you going to do? So I started to learn that I didn’t really have much of a value system because I grew up Catholic and you, you know, generally Catholics are just like church attenders, really what they are, they don’t really like. So my parents, as entertainers, they they dress up on Sunday and they would go to their church and and I go to the church too, and, and there was never any discussion about why are we doing this? What are we hearing? What does it mean? There’s none of that. I All just like go to church Now go to the restaurant, right.
Speaker 2:
That’s what happened. Every time Check it’s just checking off the box. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3:
So the Catholic Church is a place where you really don’t have your heart in it. There’s no heart, so my parents’s your no heart like, so my parents were Catholics, right? Catholic family Italian family, three kids. There’s no talking, there’s no teaching, there’s no explanation, there’s no ability to understand anything, there’s nothing, there’s no meaning to anything. So I was in a church of no meaning, right. But what is the Catholic Church? The largest landowner in the world, right, that’s what it is a big landowner, right. And they have values that really have to do with ceremony and and circumstance and and practices, and and that becomes like a, like the priest, where the central place, where you’re supposed to get all your heavenly information, right?
Speaker 2:
yeah, I mean, you have to like confess to him. You can’t even talk to god directly all right you have to go through him but that’s the part I never understood as a Catholic.
Speaker 3:
But that’s what a big part of this Catholic upbringing is, so no communication on the things that really matter. And so I’m growing up in that world and my wife grows up in an atheist home. It’s an atheist home where there is no God, there is nothing. There’s what you see, there’s what your five senses tell you. That’s all that’s here, right. So that’s all there is here, right. So she has a commitment to being a very serious atheist. She believes in it, she likes it right. But as the years went on, we become surrounded by more Christians, and these are gospel-producing Christians, right. And so whenever she would get around these gospel people, she like walled up the biggest wall you could ever see, right. So that was always a contest.
Speaker 3:
Because I’m searching all the time. I’m also looking for the truth. I’m looking for the truth wherever I can find it, right. And I could find it in a horse at a racetrack. I could find it in a copy of National Geographic. I could find the truth anywhere, right.
Speaker 3:
So she didn’t see it that way. The truth was whatever she called truth in a very narrow, atheist view, and so that’s another way that we were separated, right. But I’m looking for why we could be somehow connected, and the place I really found where the connection was is learning to love myself, because, as I come up from this known teaching family, I have to start realizing that something bigger exists. Because you know, when you come from Catholicism, you come from a place where there’s a God right, there’s a God somewhere right, but you really don’t know what that God is right Because there’s. I like to talk about the Catholic Church as a place where there’s an Old Testament Catholic Church and there’s a New Testament Catholic Church and they’re not the same right and so well, the way I see it, the Old Testament is the evil God, the one that punishes, you know the one that punishes you.
Speaker 2:
right is in the Old Testament and the New Testament is Jesus.
Speaker 3:
The human version of him.
Speaker 2:
You know, and the kinder, the love, the unconditional love, and all these other characters, like Paul who talks a lot about love and it’s all in all the wedding ceremonies, where love is patient, love is kind, love does not envy and it’s all about love. So love and hate. Love does not envy and it’s all about love. So love and hate. Love and punishment I get it.
Speaker 3:
Trust me, I grew up in it. So the whole idea of the two places of the Catholic Church, and when you’re growing up in a Catholic school, of course you’re getting this whiplash. Is this Old Testament or is this New Testament? What God is this?
Speaker 2:
Well, and the truth is that as? Catholics, we don’t learn how to open up a Bible and actually read His Word. Nobody teaches us that. They teach us about the priest and all of his rituals at the altar, but nothing else.
Speaker 3:
You know that was. That was a lot of what catholic homes were. Catholic homes had it for against the catholic bible, right, but you never opened it. You never opened the catholic bible, right, but the the whole idea of me in this marriage is me trying to find myself, because I somehow came out of that childhood believing that I was not good enough, smart enough, value enough, valuable enough. I just didn’t have a good feeling about myself at all because there was nobody to guide me into a place, and the dramatic illustration of that is my father had a college education, right, so he graduated from college, but at no time did my father tell his three children that they should go to college. He was never mentioned, not one time. Like hey, have you ever thought about college? Not one time. Like how did that happen? There was no reference to college. So I didn’t go to college and my brother and sister didn’t go to college because there was no reference to college. So I didn’t go to college and my brother and sister didn’t go to college because there’s no mention of college.
Speaker 3:
So the learning that I had to do was the learning of self-discovery, and so that scale I was talking about chaos to purpose. I didn’t grow up in chaos. I didn’t grow up in purpose. I grew up in the middle, which I call the twilight zone. And I call it the twilight zone because it’s a place where you really kind of have to teach yourself. And so I talk to people and I bring out the scale all the time. I’ve been doing it for 15 years and I interview people because I have to know where are you on the scale. If I don’t know where you are on the scale, I really don’t know anything right. So when they finally tell me the story, I’m able to locate them, because what five to zero do is that’s where abandonment, abuse and neglect are Physical abandonment, emotional abandonment, physical abuse, emotional abuse and the neglect the same way. So that’s what we’re trying to do, is we’re trying to find a place. Well, how much damage did you take in this childhood? Because whatever that 10 years gave you is what’s here today. It’s right here right now, because it’s in the subconscious and because it’s there, it’s going to be coming up right.
Speaker 3:
And so what I ended up discovering is, as I kept interviewing people who stay in the marriage while somebody leaves, I learned that the stayers are witnesses to the phenomena of the midlife crisis. They actually see it, they feel it. It’s an emotional experience for them. They have the gut-wrenching pain of having a husband or a wife who was wonderful for seven years, eight years, 15 years, and then, all of a sudden, literally a snap takes place and they literally became somebody else. So whenever they use the value in that old life, they don’t value it anymore. They are literally changed. That brand new person has been inserted and all the things have been dramatically changed. So the person you loved is not there anymore, right? So all you see is little pieces of that person, little teeny little hints that that person still might be down there, right? But the big prominent personality is the personality of the midlife crisis. That person is not what you wanted, right?
Speaker 3:
So if we’re talking about a, the, so this book I wrote, this is not the, the woman I right? So if we’re talking about so this book I wrote this is not the woman I married. This is a book for men. It’s a book for men, so men who have a wife who fall into a midlife crisis. And so what I was realizing is the midlife crisis is a real thing, that really happens, and it involves the subconscious mind, it involves childhood. That really happens, and it involves the subconscious mind. It involves childhood. It involves childhood so much that I’ve simplified this into three words Childhood makes marriage, childhood makes marriage.
Speaker 3:
And so now that I have this idea childhood makes marriage I realize nobody knows. Nobody knows childhood makes marriage. They don’t know it. And why don’t they know it? Because they come from this little child place for 10 years. They don’t know it. And why don’t they know it? Because they come from this little child place for 10 years. They’re getting all these instructions and then, whatever those instructions were the bottom of the scale, top of the scale, middle of the scale, whatever they were and so now they grow up into an adult body. And when they grow from a little child to an adult body, what’s left? The subconscious is left. That’s what’s still here right Now. They have apparently like a new personality, but that’s not really happening. What they don’t have is they don’t have any knowledge that their subconscious is still with them. And so, in further, they’re denying that childhood was anything. They don’t want to think about. Childhood did anything, said anything? Anything they don’t want to think about. Childhood did anything, said anything, valued anything? Nothing at all.
Speaker 3:
So I come along and I ask them about their first 10 years of childhood and I ask for their story, and then I locate them on the chaos of purpose scale. That’s what I’ve been doing for 15 years. So I’ve got all these scales. I’ve got like over almost 2,000 scales with 2,000 people who have these stories right and so I became very, very convinced that the midlife crisis is a very real thing and it involves something called buckers B-U-C-K-E-R-S.
Speaker 3:
What a bucker is is a person who has a childhood trauma abandonment, abuse, neglect and they have that trauma and that trauma is installed in the subconscious. And then, when they get to be adults, what starts to happen is the messages from the subconscious comes up, and those messages are always bad. They’re always fearful, they’re always dangerous, they’re always doubtful, they’re always full of trouble, and so what the person does, almost instinctively they go stop, I’m not doing that. And then the second step they take is I’m doing this instead. What they do in the second step is they bow a value from the person they’re married to, right. Well, that patient’s thing started to work for her. I think I’ll do it right. And so they do this bow value.
Speaker 3:
And the third step is they act it out. So, step one stop. Step two borrow value. Step three act it out One, two, three, one, two, three. They live that again and again and they don’t tell anybody ever. They don’t tell anybody that the secret process is going on.
Speaker 3:
So if a woman is married to a man, she’s not talking to him about her deepest needs, her deepest emotions, she’s not talking about what really means something. She’s keeping it inside. And so what she’s doing she’s saying stop not doing that, borrow value, act it out One, two, three, one, two, three. Over and over again, year after year after year, and this could happen 5, 10 times a day. Well, that’s a lot of pressure. And what are they doing? They’re doing I deny my subconscious mind. I’m not going to let that happen. I’m going to borrow value instead. So what they’re doing is they’re pasting values that look apparently real, and so what the man does is he thinks wow, she’s got really great values. Their values are like my values. Now, he was raised at the top of the scale, so he’s like a nine. She’s raised at a two, and so she’s got completely different values. But she looks so good for seven, eight, nine, ten years and she looks like she’s really this wonderful person.
Speaker 3:
But what happens? One day? Something happens. A parent dies, there’s a big loss, there’s a job change, there’s a disease announcement, there’s some big thing that happens. And when that happens, they can’t fight it anymore. They literally snap. And when they snap, what comes from the subconscious? All these values, all this selfishness, lying, survival, gossip, stealing, worry, doubt, defensiveness, they all come out. And when they come out, all those values that she was acting in this case she was acting out, they suddenly disappear. And so what’s the phrase? She was acting out. They suddenly disappear. And so what’s the phrase? This is not the woman I married. Why is it not the woman you married? Because it was never the woman you married. You married a chaos kid. You didn’t marry a purpose kid like yourself. You married a chaos kid. And so that’s what this book is doing it’s teaching that you married a chaos kid and you don’t know how to care and feed a chaos kid.
Speaker 2:
So how let?
Speaker 1:
me stop you there, because I’m already like ahead.
Speaker 2:
Yes, you are thinking and we all end up marrying this and, yes, a major turning point will kind of shift your lens very quickly and because that’s where it wakes up, like your mind wakes up suddenly and then some of this stuff really starts spilling out, right, and the things that you kept to yourself as you were married for the first couple of years, all of a sudden just like spills out completely out of you and yes it. They look completely different people right, and the spouses that were on the purpose side versus the chaos side, which is the purpose, like right now, my marriage is there. He’s chaos.
Speaker 2:
I’m in the purpose. My parents didn’t really fight in front of us so we really didn’t understand conflict resolution.
Speaker 3:
My father was wrong my mother was.
Speaker 2:
In my case, I saw her as very submissive and I was never going to be that submissive woman. That has since changed, Because I’ve now learned that the true concept of submission as I’ve gotten further into my faith and not into a religion of any sorts, right. So now my mind is starting to shift around that concept and really accept it for what it is, which is a beautiful way that God created marriage to be. I submit to him and he submits to me. It’s actually a communal thing. But when you do have that chaos coming in and he doesn’t realize how much of that is spilling in, then yeah, it’s going to create some sort of trouble, Right, and it’s going to come to a screeching halt.
Speaker 3:
So yeah.
Speaker 2:
So tons of questions here.
Speaker 1:
Let’s, let’s kind of dive into one of them applicable steps.
Speaker 2:
Can someone like me, or someone listening to the podcast, start taking to really start to understand that you’ve married a chaos kid, because you did tell me you did fall in love with your wife.
Speaker 3:
So there’s got to be a breakthrough here, kind of walk us through that so, so, uh, I call it the care and feeding of a chaos kid. And the reason I call it a care and feeding of a chaos kid is because a chaos kid is like an exotic animal a spider, a lizard, an iguana. When you have those exotic animals, you have to give them perfect environment, you have to give them the right food, the right water, the right temperature, the right humidity, the right everything. And if they don’t have the right everything, they get sick, right, and they eventually die. So we can’t take care of these. If we’re, if we’re not really responsible and careful, we can’t take care of these, these exotic animals.
Speaker 3:
But the chaos kid, uh, the woman in this example, is a chaos kid because she’s an exotic animal. She needs the right temperature, the right pressure, the right humidity, the right everything, uh, and so that’s the care and feeding of a chaos kid. Because when you learn the care and care and feeding and so I go into the care and feeding of a chaos kid, because when you learn the care and feeding and so I go into the care and feeding of a chaos kid in this book, because what this is is a man who’s raised at the top of the scale care and feeding of a chaos kid who’s raised at the bottom of the scale. And so what does he have to do? Well, there’s things he has to not do and things he has to do. And so there’s two lists there’s things you must not do for a chaos kid and there’s some of the things you must do for a chaos kid. So for the not do are things like the slightest judgments cannot be allowed ever. Why?
Speaker 3:
Because that’s a killer for a chaos kid. A chaos kid can’t accept any judgment, any fault, any criticism at all. Right? So that’s the first thing you’ve got to remember. Oh, there’s a big don’t there. And on the do side, now you’re going to live in a world where you’re caring and feeding the chaos kid.
Speaker 3:
And what does a chaos kid need? A chaos kid needs to be heard. A chaos kid needs to be listened to. Well, if you’re personally very upset yourself, if you’re very selfish yourself, you’re not going to be able to listen very well, you’re not going to be able to do the things that the care and feeding are going to require. So the do list you’re not going to do because you can’t do them, because you’re too upset yourself. So that’s why this book this Is Not the Woman you Mar to them, because you’re too upset yourself, right? So that’s why this book uh the, this is not the woman you married is really about the man changing himself. Because that’s what happened to me. I had to change myself. And where did I change myself? I didn’t change myself in, uh the, my, my body and my hands and my clothes. Right, it’s not. It wasn’t physical at all. Right, here and here, right.
Speaker 2:
Yeah. The both have to work and think with each other. I always tell people the ego is not an issue. The ego is your own self-belief system.
Speaker 3:
That’s right.
Speaker 2:
That’s got to be worked on a little bit. You know empowered.
Speaker 3:
So what the job is is when you care and feed the chaos kid. You can’t do it unless you change yourself. And so, really, the emphasis of the this is not the woman I married is I have to change what I’m learning, I have to change what I’m becoming and what I value, and so I’m always looking for ways to simplify the idea I’m trying to communicate to the world, and so I came up with an idea of an assignment, and the assignment is to come up with two lists, two lists illustrating the two worlds. Right? So the two worlds are the world of fear and the world of love. So the world of fear and the world of love. And so I want to show you the list I made. So this is the list I made world of fear, world of love. Okay, all right. So I did this.
Speaker 3:
What’s this assignment about? Well, the job is that you go onto the Internet and you write the words negative words list, negative words list. And so what you’re going to do is you’re going to literally go through all the words that you see there there’s like over a thousand and you’re going to go and you’re going to handpick the words that really mean something to you. And when you do that, you’ve got a personalized list of 25 words. And that’s what I just showed you 25 words, right? So one at the top of the list is the word crazy. Why is crazy there? Because in the 70s I used to do this a lot. I would call everything crazy. I’d say, oh, that’s crazy, oh, you’re crazy, oh, that’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard. So people would tell me why do you say crazy? They had to point that out to me because I didn’t even hear it. I was saying it so much I couldn’t even hear it anymore. So that word is on there. Another word is impossible. That word is on there because there was a time in my life when I used to say that’s impossible. Oh God, that’s impossible. Oh, will never work this about. I used to do that over and over again, right? So those are, those are words that I picked, and all the words are on here uh, like, uh, upset, angry, arrogant, bad. Why are those there? Because they all relate to me, right? So the assignment is coming up with 25 personalized fear words, the words of fear. Okay, so when you have this big list and people tell me, it’s pretty easy to come up with lists because we know fear so well. All right, then we have a second assignment and that’s going onto the Internet and, right, positive words list. Okay. So when you enter that on the Internet you’re going to get a whole bunch of lists, and when you do it’s going to be over a thousand words that are supportive of love. So, on this words, words that I relate to kindness, forgiveness, inspiration, heaven safe, these are the kinds of words that are on the love list, right? So I’ve got 25 words there.
Speaker 3:
So I’m doing this as I’m starting to realize, like something about the two worlds. That’s a big thing for me, the two worlds, right? So what I did is I took this page, this page right here, and I put it on my desk and I just left it there. And every once in a while I walk by and I scan it on my desk and I just left it there. And every once in a while I walk by and I scan the list of fear, I scan the list of love, I scan it back and forth, and back and forth I go, oh, that fear list is horrible. I don’t like that. I want this list.
Speaker 3:
So what I was doing is I was making a choice. I was making a subconscious choice over and over again Every time I looked at the two lists. I chose the love list. I chose it again and again and again, because I wanted what was in the love list. I didn’t want what was in the fear list, and I also became more convinced that the fear list was killing me. I was sure of it. And so now I was convinced of the corruption, of what the whole ego world was all about. It was all about fear. And so the world of love is all about love, all right.
Speaker 3:
And so when you start digging into love, where do you end up? You end up in God, right. And so now, how many gods do we have? Well, we got lots of gods. We have lots of gods, right. So what kind of God do you have? That becomes another question for you. Like, what God do we have? Well, we got lots of gods. We have lots of gods, right. So what kind of god do you have? That becomes another question for you. Like, what god do you have? And so where do you go? You go back to childhood, and what do you find there?
Speaker 3:
Well, I was a Methodist, right. I was a Baptist, I was a Catholic, I was a Lutheran right, we got all these things right. But then I was Seventh-day Adventist, I was Mormon. We have all these belief systems, right. We have all these belief systems and all kinds of gods, right.
Speaker 3:
So you can’t tell somebody what god they have, you can’t guide them into what kind of god they have. They have to finally make a decision on what they really believe, right? Because if you’re looking at love, if the love list is where you’re going and the fear list is where you’re leaving, you’ve got to decide where is love? What is love? What is it made of? Right? And so one of the terms that people are attracted to. So I have a course for men and a course for women, but in the courses I see that a lot of the people have Christian belief systems, and when I say Christian belief systems, they believe in the Jesus God, not in the Old Testament God. And so, as believing in the Jesus God, there’s still a lot of Jesuses out there. There’s not one Jesus, right. And so I have to allow everybody to be who they are and I have to see if they can find what this love is coming from.
Speaker 3:
And so I was talking to a lady yesterday and I said you must have some kind of foundation, some kind of idea that you believe in, that where the best of everything comes from. Where does this value come from? She goes I think I have that. I think I have that. I said is it something you really believe in? She said yeah, in fact, I just had it come to me, like about four days ago, and so what she had is she had a revelation. She had a revelation, a realization of the truth, right, and she got that from this source, that a realization of the truth, right, and she got that from this source that she’s talking about, she has right Now. She didn’t say anything about a religion, she didn’t say anything about a name or anything, but she said I have this realization that everything’s going to be all right, that I’m loved, that I’m okay, that that love list is where I’m going right and recognize what she’s married.
Speaker 3:
She married a really impossible family, a really impossible value system nightmare drug use, prostitution, all the terrible stuff all valued by that family. She married into it right. So when she said I had a peace that I’ve never had before and I had a sense of everything’s going to be okay, everything’s going to be right and, even though everything looks bad, I had this sense of peace that everything’s going to be right. So I said that source that you have, you believe in Because it was there, it was right there in your life, it was real and you have a piece that you never, never had before. Right now. I didn’t say the piece that passes all understanding.
Speaker 2:
I didn’t say that no, no, because everybody’s journey is different and yes they’ll come to that realization and and he’s the one that transforms people, we don’t we guide them into his light, and then he takes over, and that’s all we you know. At least from my perspective, that’s how I’ve gained some understanding of that right.
Speaker 3:
The more impossible the situation, the better it is, Because when more wrong things happen, the better it’s going to get. In this woman’s life she had like 10 different things that were just terrible.
Speaker 2:
And the transformation occurs especially when there’s a receiving heart and somebody that really wants the change in their life. So, yeah, I love the applicable tips that you’ve shared with us. Any last minute comments you want to give to the listeners of Released Out with Real Purpose, so I can’t say it enough Childhood makes marriage.
Speaker 3:
Childhood makes marriage. And why do I say that so strongly? Because nobody knows, they virtually don’t remember that childhood makes marriage. Childhood makes marriage. And why do I say that so strongly? Because nobody knows. They virtually don’t remember that childhood makes marriage. And when you realize childhood makes marriage, you guys start realizing I got to go back there, I got to look at what really happened and what’s that whole place made of? What kind of values did I get? Did I get chaos values? Did I get purpose values? What did I get?
Speaker 3:
And once people start to become convicted as to where they are on that scale, I think they start to realize childhood does make marriage. And I need to start to remember that my childhood is what I’m living on today. Those values are still here and that’s why they all matter, because that’s what meaning is what we’re really living on. We’re living on meaning. We’re living on meaning and the meaning of ideas is a big deal in our lives. And so when we start to get close to the meaning of the ideas of our childhood, we’re starting to make peace with our own beginning in this life. Uh, but we we still. It would help us a lot to come up with a world of fear, world of love as a tool to get us from one place to the other place. That’s a better idea absolutely, because we do.
Speaker 2:
We need to empower those belief systems because they’re deep within us, they’re rooted in in us yes. And the soil of it is all the experiences we were exposed to as little kids.
Speaker 1:
Yeah.
Speaker 2:
That is definitely something that we all can agree on. So thank you so much, larry, for coming on and sharing with us your breakthrough of falling in love with your wife, even though you were in a 27-year loveless marriage. So for those that want to connect with Larry, do so by buying his book. This Is Not the Woman I Married. I’m sure there’s ways to connect with you, larry. Can you share those briefly here?
Speaker 3:
So the LarryBalottacom website that’s the place to be. Youcansavethismarriagecom is another place to get the ideas that I’ve published and for a condensation of the ideas of. This is Not the Woman I Married. That’s a quick, cheap way to get the ideas that I’m talking about. So all the ideas are in there.
Speaker 2:
Wonderful. Thank you so much, larry, for joining us here on Released Out Reveal Purpose and for the listeners, remember Matthew 514, be the light. Have a wonderful week, Thanks.
Speaker 3:
Thanks, Sylvia, All right bye-bye, bye-bye.
Speaker 1:
So that’s it for today’s episode of release doubt reveal purpose. Head on over itunes or wherever you listen and subscribe to the show. One lucky listener every single week who posts a review on itunes will win a chance in the grand prize drawing to win a 25 000 private, private VIP day with Sylvia Worsham herself. Be sure to head on over to sylviaworsham.com and pick up a free copy of Sylvia’s gift and join us on the next episode.